By John Gottman
My Personal Takeaways →A romantic and sexual long-term committed relationship with another human remains the greatest gift life can offer. The Seven Principles safeguard and strengthen your relationship, helping you add purpose and meaning to the life you build together.
Gottman’s decades of research at the Seattle Love Lab revealed that happy marriages aren’t about smarter or richer couples — they’re about couples who have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement, they embrace each other’s needs. The seven principles: build love maps, nurture fondness, turn toward each other, accept influence, solve solvable problems, overcome gridlock, and create shared meaning. Implement one per month and measure your ratio of positive to negative interactions — the goal is 5:1 or better.
A romantic and sexual long-term committed relationship with another human remains the greatest gift life can offer. The Seven Principles safeguard and strengthen your relationship, and helps you add purpose and meaning to the life you build together.
Happily married couples aren\u2019t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other\u2019s needs.
I often think that if fitness buffs spent just 10 percent of their weekly workout time\u2014 say, twenty minutes a day\u2014 working on their marriage instead of their bodies, they would get three times the health benefits they derive from exercise class or the treadmill.
Being raised in homes where there was great marital hostility had chronically elevated levels of stress hormones compared with the other children studied. We don\u2019t know what the long-term repercussions of this stress will be for their health. But we do know that this biological indication of extreme stress was echoed in their behavior. These kids suffered far more from truancy, depression, peer rejection, behavioral problems (especially aggression), low achievement at school, and even school failure.
\u201cI hear you\u201d is a common active-listening buzzword. \u201cI feel your pain\u201d may be the most memorable.
We all have issues we\u2019re not totally rational about. We call these triggers \u201cenduring vulnerabilities.\u201d They don\u2019t necessarily interfere with marriage if you learn to recognize and avoid activating them in each other.
Good marriages spouses respond in kind to each other\u2019s positive overtures. When one helps out with a chore, the other intentionally reciprocates, and so on. In essence, the couple function with an unwritten agreement to offer recompense for each kind word or deed.
Trysts (or a romantic rendezvous) are usually not about sex but about seeking friendship, support, understanding, respect, attention, caring, and concern.
At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse. The key is learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority.
These couples tend to know each other intimately\u2014 they are well versed in each other\u2019s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.
Betrayal lies at the heart of every failed relationship.
We say they are using a repair attempt. This term refers to any statement or action\u2014 silly or otherwise\u2014 that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Repair attempts are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. The success or failure of a couple\u2019s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage is likely to flourish or flounder.
In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don\u2019t just \u201cget along\u201d\u2014 they also support each other\u2019s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.
Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other\u2019s mind\u2014 but it can\u2019t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict\u2014 and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.
Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Two very common forms of criticism are statements that contain \u201cyou always\u201d or \u201cyou never.\u201d
Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. You\u2019re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not resolved. Couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage often rewrite their past.
Defensiveness in all its guises just escalates the conflict, which is why it\u2019s so deadly. The more defensive he becomes, the more she attacks him.
It\u2019s a biological fact: men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives. Because of these dissimilarities, most marriages (including healthy, happy ones) follow a comparable pattern of conflict in which the wife, who is constitutionally better able to handle the stress, brings up sensitive issues. The husband, who is not as able to cope with it, will attempt to avoid getting into the subject. He may become defensive and stonewall.
A crucial part of a couple\u2019s pattern is whether their repair attempts succeed or fail. Repair attempts are efforts the couple makes (\u201cLet\u2019s take a break,\u201d \u201cWait, I need to calm down\u201d) to de-escalate the tension during a touchy discussion\u2014 to put on the brakes so that they can prevent flooding. Olivia and Nathaniel stick out their tongues; other couples laugh or smile or say they\u2019re sorry. Even an irritated \u201cHey, stop yelling at me\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re getting off the topic\u201d can defuse a tense situation.
Whatever the route, there are four final stages that signal the death knell of a relationship. 1. The couple see their marital problems as severe. 2. Talking things over seems useless. Partners try to solve problems on their own. 3. The couple lead parallel lives. 4. Loneliness sets in.
After tracking the lives of happily married couples for as long as twenty years, I now know that the key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not simply how you handle your disagreements but how you engage with each other when you\u2019re not fighting.
Have a fairly detailed map of your spouse\u2019s everyday life, hopes, fears, and dreams. Remember the major events in each other\u2019s history, and keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of your spouse\u2019s world change.
Take, for example, one of the major causes of marital dissatisfaction and divorce: the birth of the first baby. The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go. These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic upheaval. Because husband and wife were already in the habit of keeping up to date and were intently aware of what each other was feeling and thinking, they weren\u2019t thrown off course. But if couples don\u2019t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it\u2019s easy for a marriage to lose its way when lives shift so suddenly and dramatically. The experience of having a child is so profound that your whole notion of who you are and what you value gets reshuffled.
At first, Ken was confused by the changes in his wife. The woman he thought he knew was transforming before his eyes. But because they were in the habit of staying deeply connected, Ken was able to keep up to date on what Maggie was thinking and feeling. Too often when a new baby comes, the husband gets left behind.
There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood. Ask open-ended questions, and then remember the answers.
Singing each other\u2019s praises can only benefit your marriage.
If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible. The best test of whether a couple still have a functioning fondness and admiration system is usually how they view their past. Antagonism can metastasize like a virulent cancer, actually spreading backward in time and destroying the couple\u2019s positive memories.
By simply reminding yourself of your spouse\u2019s positive qualities \u2014 even as you grapple with each other\u2019s flaws \u2014 you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. Get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then let your partner know what you\u2019ve observed and are grateful for.
Will they read or listen to the news together or silently alone? Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I\u2019ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they\u2019re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.
Here are detailed instructions for using active listening during the \u201cStress-Reducing Conversation.\u201d 1. Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes. 2. Show genuine interest. Don\u2019t let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focused on your partner. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod, say \u201cUh- huh,\u201d and so on. 3. Don\u2019t give unsolicited advice.
I\u2019m not suggesting that it is never appropriate to problem-solve when your partner is upset. But to paraphrase psychologist Haim Ginott, the cardinal rule is \u201cUnderstanding must precede advice.\u201d
Communicate your understanding. \u201cWhat a bummer. I\u2019d be stressed out, too. I can see why you feel that way. You\u2019re making total sense. I get it. You\u2019re in a tough spot here. I wish you didn\u2019t have to go through that. I\u2019m on your side. I wish I could have been there with you. Oh, wow, that sounds terrible. I totally agree with you. No wonder you\u2019re upset. That sounds infuriating/ frustrating. I would have been disappointed, too.\u201d
Take your partner\u2019s side. This means expressing support even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Express a \u201cwe against others\u201d attitude. If your mate is feeling all alone in facing some difficulty, express solidarity.
The happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife. When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.
Emotionally intelligent husbands have figured out the one big thing: how to convey honor and respect.
The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will thrive.
Perpetual Problems: 1. Meg wants to have a baby, but Donald says he\u2019s not ready yet\u2014 and doesn\u2019t know if he ever will be. 2. Walter wants sex far more frequently than Dana. 3. Chris is lax about housework and rarely does his share of the chores until Susan nags him, which makes him angry. 4. Tony wants to raise their children as Catholics. Jessica is Jewish and wants their children to follow her faith. 5. Angie thinks Ron is too critical of their son. But Ron thinks he has the right approach: their son has to be taught the proper way to do things.
\u201cWhen choosing a long-term partner\u2026 you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you\u2019ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.\u201d Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with.
\u201cPaul married Alice and Alice gets loud at parties and Paul, who is shy, hates that. But if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party. That\u2019s because Paul is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting. She would feel taken for granted, which she is very sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining about this as her attempt to dominate him, which he is very sensitive about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn\u2019t have even gone to the party because they would still be upset about an argument they had the day before about Paul\u2019s not helping with the housework. To Gail, when Paul does not help, she feels abandoned, which she is sensitive about, and to Paul, Gail\u2019s complaining is an attempt at domination, which he is sensitive about.\u201d And so it goes.
The Signs of Gridlock: \u2022 The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner. \u2022 You keep talking about it but make no headway. \u2022 You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge. \u2022 When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt. \u2022 Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection. \u2022 You become even more \u201cunbudgeable\u201d over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations. \u2022 This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your positions and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise. \u2022 Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.
(1) make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh, (2) learn the effective use of repair attempts, (3) monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding, (4) learn how to compromise, and (5) become more tolerant of each other\u2019s imperfections. Follow this advice and you\u2019re likely to find that solvable problems no longer interfere with your marital happiness.
Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.
Before you ask your spouse to change the way he or she drives, eats, vacuums, or makes love, you must make sure your partner feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned.
To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, \u201cHere. You forgot your umbrella.\u201d We would never think of saying, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God\u2019s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?\u201d We are sensitive to the guest\u2019s feelings, even if things don\u2019t go so well.
The best soft start-up has four parts: (1) \u201cI share some responsibility for this \u2026\u201d (2) Here\u2019s how I feel \u2026 (3) about a specific situation and \u2026 (4) here\u2019s what I need \u2026 (positive need, not what you don\u2019t need). Here are some suggestions to ensure that your start- up is soft: Complain but don\u2019t blame. Remember: \u201cI feel \u2026\u201d; about what? \u2026 ; and \u201cI need \u2026\u201d
Complain about a particular situation, not your partner\u2019s personality or character. \u2022 Describe what is happening. \u2022 Don\u2019t evaluate or judge. \u2022 Be clear about your positive need. \u2022 Be appreciative. \u2022 Don\u2019t store things up.
\u201cI\u2019m feeling very deprived lately, and I would love it if we surprised each other with a present out of the blue this week. What do you think?\u201d
Putting on the brakes is an important skill in a marriage, too. You can prevent plenty of disasters by terminating discussions that get off on the wrong foot and by shutting down those seemingly endless cycles of recriminations. Your future together can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control.
Many, if not all, of these phrases will probably sound phony and unnatural to you. That\u2019s because they offer a very different way of speaking with your spouse when you\u2019re upset. But their phoniness is not a reason to reject them. If you learned a better and more effective way to hold your tennis racket, it would feel \u201cwrong\u201d and \u201cunnatural\u201d initially, simply because you weren\u2019t used to it yet. The same goes for these repair attempts.
Many people find that the best approach to self-soothing is to focus on calming the body through a meditative technique. Here\u2019s a simple one: 1. Sit in a comfortable chair, or lie on your back on the floor. 2. Focus on controlling your breathing. Usually when you get flooded, you either hold your breath a lot or breathe shallowly. So close your eyes, and focus on taking deep, regular breaths. 3. Relax your muscles. One at a time, tightly squeeze the muscle groups that seem tense (usually, your forehead and jaw, neck, shoulders, arms, and back). Hold for two seconds, and then release. 4. Let the tension flow out of each muscle group, and get that muscle group to feel heavy by imagining that it is weighed down. 5. Now get each heavy muscle group to feel warm. One popular method is to keep your eyes closed and concentrate on a calming vision or idea. Many people find it effective to think of a place they associate with tranquillity, like a forest, lake, or beach. Conjuring that image relaxes me and automatically triggers all of the other steps of self-soothing. Imagine your soothing place as vividly as you can. Keep focused on this peaceful image for about thirty seconds.
Soothing your partner is of enormous benefit to a marriage because it\u2019s really a form of reverse conditioning. In other words, if you frequently have the experience of being calmed by your spouse, you come to associate him or her with feelings of relaxation rather than of stress. This automatically increases the positivity in your relationship.
If your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute (80 if you\u2019re an athlete), you won\u2019t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try. Take a twenty-minute break before continuing.
On a piece of paper, draw two circles\u2014a smaller one inside a larger one. In the inner circle, make a list of the aspects of the problem you can\u2019t give in on. In the outer circle, list all of the aspects of the problem you can compromise over. Remember the aikido principle of yielding to win\u2014the more able you are to make concessions, the better able you\u2019ll be to persuade your spouse. So try hard to keep your outer circle as large as possible and your inner circle as small as possible.
Work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, Internet-fueled distractions, a new baby: these are the most typical areas of marital conflict, so there\u2019s a good chance at least some of them are hot buttons in your relationship.
If the conflict is perpetual, no amount of problem-solving savvy will fix it. The tension will de- escalate only when you both feel comfortable living with your ongoing difference. But when the issue is solvable, the challenge is to find the right strategy for conquering it.
The solution for Work Stress: Acknowledge that at the end of a long, stressful day you may need time to yourselves to decompress before interacting with each other. If you are feeling suddenly outraged by something your spouse did, realize that the incident may be overblown in your mind because you\u2019re feeling so tense. Likewise, if your spouse comes home with a cloud over his or her head and your \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d gets answered with a snarl, try not to take it personally. He or she probably just had a bad day. Rather than making the situation worse by lashing out, let it go. Build time to unwind into your daily schedule. Make it a ritual, whether it entails lying on your bed and watching silly videos, going for a jog, or meditating.
The solution for in-laws: The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of \u201cwe-ness\u201d between husband and wife. So the husband must let his mother know that his wife does indeed come first. He is a husband, then a son. This is not a pleasant position to take. His mother\u2019s feelings may be hurt. But eventually she will probably adjust to the reality that her son\u2019s family unit, where he is the husband, takes precedence to him over all others. It is absolutely critical for the marriage that the husband be firm about this, even if he feels unfairly put upon and even if his mother cannot accept the new reality.
Often such disputes are evidence of a perpetual issue, since money is symbolic of many emotional needs\u2014such as safety and power\u2014and goes to the core of our individual value systems. But when a simpler, solvable financial problem arises, the key to resolving it is to first understand a marriage\u2019s task in this area. While money buys pleasure, it also buys security. Balancing these two economic realities can be work for any couple, since our feelings about money and value are so personal and often idiosyncratic.
When the husband does his share to maintain the home, both he and his wife report a more satisfying sex life than in marriages where the wife believes her husband is not doing his share. The benefits to these marriages extend beyond the bedroom. In these relationships, the women also have significantly lower heart rates during marital arguments, which means they are less likely to begin a discussion harshly and so avoid triggering that whole downward spiral of conflict involving the four horsemen and flooding that leads to divorce.
The key is not the actual amount he does but his wife\u2019s subjective view of whether it\u2019s enough. For one couple this could indeed mean an even split of chores. But in another marriage the wife may be just as satisfied if he takes care of some chores she hates\u2014 like cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming\u2014 or even if he agrees to budget for a weekly housekeeper to lighten both their loads. By itemizing exactly who does what, you\u2019ll finally have an objective basis for determining who should do what.
\u201cA child is a grenade. When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was. Not better, necessarily; not worse, necessarily; but different.\u201d
In the year after the first baby arrives, 67 percent of wives experience a precipitous plummet in their marital satisfaction. (For the husband, the dissatisfaction usually kicks in later, as a reaction to his wife\u2019s unhappiness.) There are wide-ranging reasons for this deep disgruntlement, including lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated, the profound responsibility of caring for such a helpless little creature, and juggling mothering with a job.
What separates these blissful mothers from the rest has nothing to do with whether their baby is colicky or a good sleeper, whether they are nursing or bottle-feeding, working or staying home. Rather, it has everything to do with whether the husband experiences the transformation to parenthood along with his wife or gets left behind. Having a baby almost inevitably causes a metamorphosis in the new mother. She has never experienced a love as deep and selfless as what she feels for her child. Almost always, a new mother experiences nothing less than an utter reorientation of meaning in her life. She discovers she is willing to make enormous sacrifices for her child. She feels awe and wonder at the intensity of her feelings for this fragile little being. The experience is so life-altering that if her husband doesn\u2019t go through it with her, it is understandable for distance to develop between them. While the wife is embracing a new sense of \u201cwe-ness\u201d that includes their child, the husband may still be pining for \u201cjust the two of us.\u201d So he can\u2019t help but begrudge how little time she seems to have for him now, how tired she always is, and how often she\u2019s preoccupied with feeding the baby. He resents that they can\u2019t ride their bikes to the beach anymore because the baby is too small to sit up in a back carrier. He loves his child, but he wants his wife back. What\u2019s a husband to do? The answer to his dilemma is simple: He can\u2019t get his wife back\u2014 he has to follow her into the new realm she has entered. Only then can their marriage continue to grow. In marriages where the husband is able to do this, he doesn\u2019t resent his child. He no longer feels like only a husband but like a father, too. He feels pride, tenderness, and protectiveness toward his offspring.
Yes, the couple should spend time away from the baby occasionally. But if they are making this transition well together, they will find that they can\u2019t stop talking about the baby, nor do they want to. They might not even get through that first meal without calling home\u2014at least twice. Too often, such couples are made to feel as if they have done something wrong because they have made their own relationship seemingly secondary to their new roles as parents.
Focus on your marital friendship. Before the baby comes, make sure that you really understand each other and your respective worlds intimately. The more of a team you are now, the easier the transition will be. If a husband knows his wife, he will be in better tune with her as she begins her journey to motherhood. Don\u2019t exclude Dad from baby care. Sometimes, in her exuberance, a new mother comes off as a know-it-all to her husband. While she agrees, in theory, that they should share the baby\u2019s care, she casts herself into a supervisory role, constantly directing\u2014 if not ordering\u2014 the new father and even chastising him if he doesn\u2019t do things exactly her way: \u201cDon\u2019t hold her like that,\u201d\u201cYou didn\u2019t burp him enough,\u201d\u201cThe bath water\u2019s too cold.\u201d In the face of this barrage, some husbands are more than happy to withdraw, to cede the role of expert to their wives and accept their own ignorance. The sad result is that they do less and less and therefore become less and less accomplished and confident in caring for their own child. Inevitably, they begin to feel more excluded. The solution is simple. The new mother must back off. She needs to realize that there\u2019s more than one way to burp a baby. If she doesn\u2019t like her husband\u2019s way, she should remember that the baby is his child, too, and will benefit from experiencing more than one parenting style. A few baths in tepid water are a small price for an infant\u2014 and a marriage\u2014 to pay for the father\u2019s ongoing commitment to his family. If the mother feels her husband\u2019s approach is really unsafe, she should direct him to their pediatrician or a baby-care guide. Some small, well-timed doses of gentle advice-giving are fine (don\u2019t forget to use a softened start-up), but lectures and criticism will backfire.
Let Dad be baby\u2019s playmate. Some men have admitted to me that they don\u2019t feel much connection with their child until the baby gets older and can walk, talk, and play. Unfortunately, by then their distance from family life has created fissures in their marriage. The reason men may take longer to \u201cbond\u201d with their children is that, as countless studies have confirmed, women tend to be more nurturing toward children while men are more playful. And since most men assume you can\u2019t really play with a helpless baby, they don\u2019t feel engaged by their child for much of the crucial first year. But dads who spend time with their young babies will discover that infants are not \u201cblobs\u201d who do nothing but cry, nurse, poop, and sleep. Even newborns can be great playmates. Babies begin to smile at a mere three weeks. They can track movements with their eyes even earlier than that. Soon they are chortling, kicking their legs in delight. In short, the father who gets to know his babies by bathing, diapering, and feeding them will inevitably find that they love to play with him and that he has a special role in their lives.
For example, in a study of couples who had a toddler at home, we found that the husbands wanted intercourse an average of six times more often.
We found that those whose sex lives were good to great made sex a priority rather than considering it the last obligation on a long to-do list. These couples talked about their sex life, ensured they had one-on-one time together, and put the relationship first, despite the competing demands of work and children. They also found sexual satisfaction through diverse methods, not just intercourse. In short, they had high levels of trust and were attuned to each other in and out of the bedroom.
The problem is that the less clear you are about what you want, the less likely you are to get it. The solution: Learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that lets each partner feel safe.
When sex becomes about technique rather than passion and communication, the result is sexual anxiety. Men worry about their erections. Women worry about achieving orgasm. Both become self-conscious, and it all becomes difficult to talk about.
Many of the women interviewed complained that their men likened achieving orgasm to a touchdown (\u201cthe Big O\u201d). This goal-oriented approach to lovemaking can cause a great deal of sexual dysfunction because if that objective isn\u2019t reached, then there\u2019s the sense that something is \u201cwrong.\u201d
Not focusing on orgasm as the goal helps couples see that sex, the physical part of connection, is all about just that: connection.
Nothing is guaranteed to make your spouse want to touch you less than if you say, \u201cYou never touch me.\u201d It\u2019s better to say, \u201cI loved when we kissed last weekend on the big couch. I\u2019d love more of that, it makes me feel so good.\u201d Likewise, instead of, \u201cDon\u2019t touch me there,\u201d you\u2019ll get a better response if you say, \u201cIt feels extra good when you touch me here.\u201d
For example, Mike wanted to have sex several times a week, but Lynne thought once every other week was enough. As a result, Mike felt frustrated and rejected. Over time he became more insistent that they increase the frequency. He\u2019d bring home books and all sorts of erotica in an effort to turn Lynne on. But this just made her feel pressured, which backfired. As Mike\u2019s frustration grew, Lynne\u2019s desire dwindled. By the time they came to our workshop, Lynne and Mike had no idea how they could work out this issue. We suggested they shift their focus from sex to sensuality and that the person with the least interest (currently Lynne) be put in charge of the couple\u2019s sensual experience. Since Lynne loved massages, we suggested she select a book on the topic that appealed to her and use massage to direct their sensual evenings, which entailed no sex per se, but plenty of holding and touching.
Here are some other rituals used by couples I\u2019ve worked with: Just saying straight out, \u201cI want to make love.\u201d Kissing the partner\u2019s neck and saying, \u201cI really want you.\u201d Putting your arms around your partner and asking if he or she would like to make love. Leaving a partner a note saying you want to make love tonight. Sending the partner a sexy e-mail or text during the day. Lighting candles in the bedroom. Suggesting taking a bath together.
Refusing Sex Gently: If you\u2019re not in the mood, let your partner down softly. Here are ways to say no that won\u2019t sting so much. Put them in your own words, of course! \u201cI usually would love having sex with you, but I need to take a rain check. Right now I\u2019m really not in the mood. But I still find you very attractive.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sorry, honey, but it\u2019s not the right time for lovemaking for me. But I still love you a lot, and you are very attractive.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m just too wiped out. But I definitely want a rain check so I have something to look forward to.\u201d
Gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn\u2019t aware of, hasn\u2019t acknowledged, or doesn\u2019t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life.
Here is a list of some common \u201cdeep\u201d dreams expressed by couples I\u2019ve worked with. 1. A sense of freedom 2. Feeling at peace 3. Exploring who I am 4. Adventure 5. A spiritual journey 6. Justice 7. Honor 8. Consistency with my past values 9. Healing 10. Having a sense of power 11. Dealing with growing older 12. Exploring a creative side of myself 13. Getting over past hurts 14. Asking God for forgiveness 15. Exploring an old part of myself I have lost 16. Having a sense of order 17. Being productive 18. Getting my priorities in order 19. Exploring the physical side of myself 20. Being able to compete and win 21. Traveling 22. Atoning 23. Ending a chapter of my life\u2014saying good-bye to something
Become a Dream Detective: If you\u2019ve reached gridlock on any issue in your marriage, big or small, you need to identify which dream or dreams are fueling the conflict. Once you both understand which dreams are fueling the gridlock, it\u2019s time to talk about them. Each person gets fifteen minutes as the speaker and fifteen minutes as the listener. Do not try to solve this problem. Be clear and honest about what you want and why it is so important.
\u201cTell me the story of your dream. Does it relate to your history or childhood in some way? I\u2019d like to understand what it means to you.\u201d \u2022 \u201cWhat do you want? What do you need? If I could wave a magic wand and you\u2019d have exactly what you needed, what would that look like?\u201d Acknowledging and respecting each other\u2019s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is key to saving and enriching your marriage.
A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions.
The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning: When couples build these together, they enrich their relationship and family life.
Creating rituals in your marriage (and with your children) can be a powerful antidote to this tendency to disconnect. A ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness.
Rituals around recreation: Date night, Planning getaways and adventures, Romantic evenings out, Dinner at home, Annual Honeymoon, Hosting parties, Vacations (how do we decide, where do we go, when do we go)
Rituals of communication: Expressing pride in each other, Communicating daily appreciations, Discussing relationship issues, Dealing with misfortune or bad news, Expressing our needs, Discussing stressful events
Rituals around everyday living: How we stay healthy, Morning routines, End-of-day reunions, How we renew ourselves when we are fatigued or burned out, Bedtime routines, Falling asleep together, Dealing with illness
From the standpoint of marriage, our perspective on our own roles and our mate\u2019s can either add to the meaningfulness and harmony between us or create tension. Your marriage will feel more profound to the degree that your expectations of each other are similar.
For example, both Ian and Hilary believed that a husband should be a protector and provider and the wife more of a nurturer. Chloe and Evan believed in an egalitarian marriage in which the spouses supported each other emotionally and financially.
Sometimes, we haven\u2019t even asked ourselves these questions. But when we start, it gives us the opportunity to explore something that can have a profound impact on ourselves and our marriage.
Religious icons like a crucifix or mezuzah are obvious symbols of faith a couple may display in their home. For Jenna and Spencer, their dining room table held special significance. Family stories also tend to be richly symbolic and reflect deeply entrenched values.
No book (or therapist) can solve all of your marital problems. But learning the Seven Principles really can change the course of your relationship. Even making just a small and gentle shift in the trajectory of your marriage can have a dramatic, positive effect over time.
Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you\u2019ve learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse\u2019s life that day\u2014from lunch with the boss to a doctor\u2019s appointment to a scheduled phone call with an old friend.
Reunions. We recommend a hug and a kiss that lasts at least six seconds. The six-second kiss is worth coming home to. Also, be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday for at least 20 minutes.
Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse. Genuinely say, \u201cI love you.\u201d
Weekly date. This just-the-two-of-you time can be a relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. Ask each other open-ended questions that let you update your love maps and turn toward each other. Think of questions to ask your spouse (like \u201cAre you still thinking about redecorating the bedroom?\u201d \u201cWhere should we take our next vacation?\u201d or \u201cHow are you feeling about your boss these days?\u201d).
State of the union meeting. Select one hour a week to talk about your relationship this week. Keep this time sacred. Begin by talking about what went right. Then give each other five appreciations you haven\u2019t yet expressed. Try to be specific. Next, discuss any issues that may have arisen. Use gentle start-up and listen non-defensively. Move to problem solving with the two-circle method. End by each of you asking and answering, \u201cWhat can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?\u201d
Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.
He has found that people with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.
The best way to conquer this fear is to talk about issues in your relationship while they are still minor, before they build up steam and become combustible.
What causes a spouse to be chronically critical? We have discovered that there are two sources. The first is an emotionally unresponsive partner. The other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one\u2019s life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself. Aaron cannot really appreciate or enjoy his own accomplishments. When he has a setback in his business, he feels deep down that he is worthless. When his business is successful, he doesn\u2019t allow himself to be proud. There\u2019s a voice inside him that says this is not good enough. He continually searches for approval but cannot enjoy it or even accept it when it is offered.
The problem is that we tend to focus on what\u2019s missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are there\u2014we take those for granted. Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt.
One of the most meaningful gifts a parent can give a child is to acknowledge his or her own mistake, to say, \u201cI was wrong here\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d This is so powerful because it also gives the child permission to make a mistake, to admit having messed up and still be okay. It builds in the forgiveness of self.
Top Tips: Enhance your love maps, nurture your fondness and admiration, turn toward each other instead of away, let your partner influence you, solve your solvable problems, overcome gridlock, and create shared meaning.
1. Keep your negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming the positive ones.
2. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, embrace each other\u2019s needs.
3. Spend at least twenty minutes a day to work specifically on your marriage.
4. Rather than saying \u201cI hear you\u201d, try using \u201cI feel your pain\u201d instead.
5. Offer recompense for each kind word or deed.
6. Become well versed in each other\u2019s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.
7. Try not to become defensive in an argument. Use repair attempts to de-escalate the fight. (ex: \u201cWait, I need to calm down\u201d or \u201cPlease stop yelling at me\u201d)
8. Support each other\u2019s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into your lives together.
9. Understand that most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.
10. Don\u2019t use \u201cyou always\u201d or \u201cyou never\u201d to criticize your spouse.
11. The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not simply how you handle your disagreements but how you engage with each other when you\u2019re not fighting.
12. Learn how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority.
13. Have a fairly detailed map of your spouse\u2019s everyday life, hopes, fears, and dreams.
14. Remember the major events in each other\u2019s history, and keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of your spouse\u2019s world change.
15. Learn to recognize and avoid activating each other\u2019s \u201cenduring vulnerabilities\u201d.
16. There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood. Ask open-ended questions, and then remember the answers.
17. Sing each other\u2019s praises.
18. Remind yourself of your spouse\u2019s positive qualities. Get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate, and then let your partner know what you\u2019ve observed and are grateful for.
19. Read or listen to the news together instead of silently alone.
20. Remember to fund and put daily deposits into each other\u2019s emotional bank accounts.
21. Stress-Reducing Fight: 1. Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes. 2. Show genuine interest. Don\u2019t let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focused on your partner. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod, say \u201cUh- huh,\u201d and so on. 3. Don\u2019t give unsolicited advice.
22. Communicate your understanding (ex: \u201cI\u2019d be stressed out, too\u201d \u201cI can see why you feel that way\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re making total sense\u201d \u201cI wish you didn\u2019t have to go through that\u201d \u201cI\u2019m on your side\u201d I wish I could have been there with you\u201d \u201cOh, wow, that sounds terrible\u201d).
23. Take your partner\u2019s side. This means expressing support even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Express a \u201cwe against others\u201d attitude.
24. Emotionally intelligent husbands have figured out the one big thing: how to convey honor and respect. They do not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife.
25. Actively search for common ground rather than insisting on getting your way.
26. How to solve solvable problems: (1) make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh, (2) learn the effective use of repair attempts, (3) monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding, (4) learn how to compromise, and (5) become more tolerant of each other\u2019s imperfections.
27. Before you ask your spouse to change the way he or she drives, eats, vacuums, or makes love, you must make sure your partner feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned.
28. Treat your spouse with the same respect you offer to guests in your home.
29. Suggestions to ensure that your start-up is soft: Complain but don\u2019t blame. Remember: \u201cI feel \u2026\u201d; about what? \u2026 ; and \u201cI need \u2026\u201d
30. Rules for arguing\u2026.Complain about a particular situation, not your partner\u2019s personality or character. Describe what is happening. Don\u2019t evaluate or judge. Be clear about your positive need. Be appreciative. Don\u2019t store things up.
31. Be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday for at least 20 minutes.
32. Practice self-soothing when you are worked up. Close your eyes, and focus on taking deep, regular breaths. Relax your muscles. One at a time, tightly squeeze the muscle groups that seem tense (usually, your forehead and jaw, neck, shoulders, arms, and back). Hold for two seconds, and then release.
33. Soothing your partner is of enormous benefit to a marriage because it\u2019s really a form of reverse conditioning. In other words, if you frequently have the experience of being calmed by your spouse, you come to associate him or her with feelings of relaxation rather than of stress.
34. If your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute (80 if you\u2019re an athlete), you won\u2019t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try. Take a twenty-minute break before continuing.
35. The more able you are to make concessions, the better able you\u2019ll be to persuade your spouse.
36. If the conflict is perpetual, no amount of problem-solving savvy will fix it. The tension will de- escalate only when you both feel comfortable living with your ongoing difference. But when the issue is solvable, the challenge is to find the right strategy for conquering it.
37. The solution for Work Stress: Acknowledge that at the end of a long, stressful day you may need time to yourselves to decompress before interacting with each other. Make it a ritual, whether it entails lying on your bed and watching silly videos, going for a jog, or meditating.
38. The solution for in-laws: The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother.
39. By itemizing exactly who does what, you\u2019ll finally have an objective basis for determining who should do what.
40. Focus on your marital friendship. Before the baby comes, make sure that you really understand each other and your respective worlds intimately. The more of a team you are now, the easier the transition will be.
41. Don\u2019t exclude Dad from baby care. The new mother must back off. She needs to realize that there\u2019s more than one way to burp a baby. If she doesn\u2019t like her husband\u2019s way, she should remember that the baby is his child, too, and will benefit from experiencing more than one parenting style. Let Dad be baby\u2019s playmate.
42. Make sex a priority rather than considering it the last obligation on a long to-do list. Learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that lets each partner feel safe.
43. Nothing is guaranteed to make your spouse want to touch you less than if you say, \u201cYou never touch me.\u201d It\u2019s better to say, \u201cI loved when we kissed last weekend on the big couch. I\u2019d love more of that, it makes me feel so good.\u201d
44. Send the partner a sexy e-mail or text during the day. Light candles in the bedroom. Suggest taking a bath together.
45. Refusing sex gently: \u201cI usually would love having sex with you, but I need to take a rain check. Right now I\u2019m really not in the mood. But I still find you very attractive.\u201d
46. Acknowledging and respecting each other\u2019s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is key to saving and enriching your marriage.
47. Become a dream detective: If you\u2019ve reached gridlock on any issue in your marriage, big or small, you need to identify which dream or dreams are fueling the conflict. Once you both understand which dreams are fueling the gridlock, it\u2019s time to talk about them. Each person gets fifteen minutes as the speaker and fifteen minutes as the listener. Do not try to solve this problem. Be clear and honest about what you want and why it is so important.
48. Creating rituals in your marriage (and with your children) can be a powerful antidote to this tendency to disconnect (ex: rituals around recreation, date nights, planning getaways and adventures, romantic evenings out, dinner at home, annual honeymoon, hosting parties).
49. Rituals of communication: expressing pride in each other, communicating daily appreciations, discussing relationship issues, dealing with misfortune or bad news, expressing our needs, discussing stressful events.
50. Rituals around everyday living: how we stay healthy, morning routines, end-of-day reunions, how we renew ourselves when we are fatigued or burned out, bedtime routines, falling asleep together, dealing with illness.
51. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you\u2019ve learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse\u2019s life that day.
52. Reunions: We recommend a hug and a kiss that lasts at least six seconds. The six-second kiss is worth coming home to.
53. Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse.
54. Ask \u201cWhat can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?\u201d
55. Hold your relationship to high standards. People with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages.
56. Talk about issues in your relationship while they are still minor, before they build up steam and become combustible.