Introduction
When parents become uninvolved in their teenagers’ lives, their primary role of guidance does not simply go vacant — it gets filled. The gang fills it, the peer group fills it, or social media fills it. This book is built on the conviction that the most foundational building block of the parent-teen relationship is love. Not love in theory, but love that is actually felt.
The difficulty is not that most parents fail to love their teenagers — most do, sincerely and deeply. The difficulty is that thousands of teenagers do not feel that love. For most parents it is not a matter of sincerity but a lack of information on how to communicate love effectively on an emotional level. That gap is what this book exists to close.
Chapter 1 — Understanding Today’s Teenagers
From the early days of emerging teenage culture to its contemporary counterpart, the underlying themes have been the same: independence and self-identity. Throughout the years, teenagers in American society have been actively searching for their identity while trying to establish independence from their parents. That search has never been easy, and it is not any easier now.
First, there is the challenge of accepting and adapting to the changes that take place in the teen’s body. Arms and legs, hands and feet are all growing, sometimes at a disproportionate rate, producing the reality of “teenage clumsiness” — which can be a source of extreme embarrassment. Sexual characteristics are also developing, which may be both exciting and anxiety-inducing. And what parent has not felt the pain of watching their teenager struggle with that most devastating of enemies, acne?
Adolescence is also the age of reason. The teenager is able to think logically and to see the logical consequences of different positions. This logic is applied not only to their own reasoning but also to the reasoning of their parents. That is why a teenager might often be perceived as argumentative — in reality, the teen is developing mental skills. If parents understand this, they can have meaningful and interesting conversations with their teenagers. If they don’t, they can develop an adversarial relationship, and the teenager must go elsewhere to flex newfound intellectual muscles. With this rapid growth in intellectual development and the gleaning of new information, the teenager often believes himself to be smarter than his parents — and in some areas, he may be right.
The development of cliques — small, close social groups — among teens has far more to do with agreement over intellectual ideas than it does with things like dress and hair color. Teens, like adults, tend to feel more comfortable with those who agree with them.
The intellectual ability to analyze ideas and project outcomes gives rise to another common teenage challenge: examining the belief systems with which one was raised and determining whether those beliefs are worthy of one’s commitment. “Were my parents right in their views of God, morality, and values?” These are heavy issues with which every teenager must wrestle. If parents do not understand this struggle they will often become a negative influence and actually push the teenager away. When a teenager questions parents about basic beliefs, wise parents welcome the questions, give honest answers in a nonauthoritarian manner, and encourage the teenager to keep exploring. They welcome the opportunity to dialogue about the beliefs they have espoused through the years.
Parents who want to help will use the normal flow of family conversation to address issues related to sexuality, dating, and marriage. They will also guide their teenager to the right printed materials and websites that speak on the teenage level while providing practical, sound information.
There is one other common challenge: grappling with the question “What will I do with my life?” This question does involve choosing a vocation, but it is far deeper than that. It is ultimately a spiritual question — what is worth the investment of my life, where will I find the greatest happiness, and where can I make the greatest contribution? More immediately, teenagers must answer: Will I go to college, and if so where? Should I join the military? Should I get a job? Teenagers understand that these choices all lead somewhere. Parents who wish to be helpful will share something of their own struggle, joys, and disappointments. You cannot and should not offer easy answers, but you can encourage the search and introduce your son or daughter to people of various vocations who can share their journey. You can encourage your teen to take advantage of vocational counselors at high school and later at the university. But ultimately, encourage your teenager to follow the example of Samuel — the ancient Hebrew prophet heard God’s call as a teenager, and said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”
With all these similarities across generations, a mighty gulf exists between the contemporary teenager and teenagers of the past. Five cultural differences stand out. First, technology — the smartphone and social media have reshaped the social landscape of adolescence in ways previous generations cannot fully imagine. Second, today’s teenagers are growing up with far more knowledge of violent human behavior, partly because more violence is reported through the media and partly because our culture has developed something close to an obsession with it. Third, the fragmented family is now the norm rather than the exception. Fourth, teenagers today have far greater knowledge of and exposure to sexuality. And fifth, the broader culture has largely abandoned shared moral and religious values, leaving teenagers to construct their own frameworks with little consensus around them.
The good news is that contemporary teenagers are looking to parents for guidance. In a recent survey, teens reported that parents have more influence than peers in the following areas: whether to attend college, whether to attend religious services, whether to do homework, and whether to drink. Parents also had significant impact on teens’ job and career plans. Friends had more influence on immediate decisions — whether to cut classes, who to date, hairstyles, and what kind of clothes to wear. The relationship is far from lost. What it needs is intentional investment.
Chapter 2 — The Key: Love from Parents
Deep within the soul of every teenager is the desire to feel connected, accepted, and nurtured by parents. When this happens, the teenager feels loved. When it does not, the inner emotional tank is empty — and that emptiness will greatly affect the teen’s behavior. If parents want their teenager to feel loved, they must make time to be with them.
The meal table is one of the best places to build emotional connectedness with teenagers. Consider announcing a new tradition: first, the family talks to God — teach your children to be grateful for their food — then you talk to each other, and after that, if you wish, you can revert to screens and media. Leave the screens off the table. Begin by having someone volunteer to thank God for the food and the person who prepared it. Then each family member shares with the others three things that happened in their life that day and how they feel about them. Rule number one: when one family member is talking, the others are listening sympathetically. Rule number two: others may ask questions to clarify what they are hearing, but they don’t give advice unless the person sharing solicits it.
One teenager put it simply: “The main thing I like about my parents is that they accept me for who I am. They don’t try to make me like my older sister.” This teenager feels loved, and this love comes from being accepted. The apostle Paul said of God, “He made us accepted in the Beloved” — alluding to the central Christian doctrine that the holy God has accepted those who are unholy because they are part of his Son, the Beloved. Though God is not always pleased with our behavior, he is always pleased with us because we are his children. As parents, this is what we are trying to do. We want to communicate that we are happy to be their parents, no matter what, without respect to their behavior patterns. This is what we call unconditional love — “I love you, I care about you. I am committed to you because you are my child. I don’t always like what you do, but I always love you and care about your well-being. You are my son or daughter and I will never reject you. I will always be here doing what I believe is best for you. I will love you no matter what.”
Nurturing parents have a positive attitude. This does not mean they deny the realities of life, but they choose to see the hand of God behind the scenes of human events. They look for the sun behind the clouds and communicate this spirit to their teenagers.
Chapter 3 — Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
If there is a stage of life where human beings need more affirming words, it would certainly be the teenage years. Yet this is the very stage at which parents often turn to negative words in their efforts to get the teenager to do what they believe is best. Parents who treat the teenager in the same manner they treated the child will not experience the same results. When the teenager does not respond as the child responded, parents are pushed to try something different — and without proper training, they almost always revert to coercion, which leads to arguments, loss of temper, and perhaps verbal abuse. Such behavior is emotionally devastating to the teenager whose primary love language is words of affirmation. The parents’ efforts to verbally argue the teenager into submission are in reality pushing the teenager toward rebellion.
When a relationship has deteriorated to that point, the first step is a cease-fire: stop the condemning, negative bombshells. Second, call for a family conference and openly share your deep regret. Be honest — tell your teen you had nothing but their best interests in mind but realize you went about parenting the wrong way. Tell them that you sincerely want to learn, that you love them no matter what, and that you intend to eliminate critical, condemning, demeaning, and harsh words from your vocabulary. Admit that you won’t be perfect in doing this over the next few months, but that when you fail you will sincerely apologize — because that is not your intention.
Teenagers need boundaries, and parents who love them will see that they live within those boundaries. But there is a better way to motivate teenagers than yelling cruel, bitter, condemning words when they misbehave.
Two factors are critical when giving words of praise. First and foremost is sincerity. Teenagers are looking for adults with integrity and authenticity. You may have gotten away with flattery when she was three, but it will not work when she is thirteen. Telling a teenager “You did a good job cleaning your room” when she did not is a slap in the face to her intelligence. She is smarter than that. This leads to the second important factor: praise specifics. Sweeping general statements of praise are seldom true. The truth is far more often found in the details — “You did a good job getting the coffee stain out of the carpet,” “Thanks for putting the dirty clothes in the hamper; it was a real help when I did the laundry this morning,” “Thanks for raking the leaves out of the side yard Saturday — it really looks nice.” These are the kinds of specific praises that ring true with the teenager. Train yourself to look for specifics.
There is a third aspect of giving praise: when you can’t praise results, praise efforts. Your thirteen-year-old has mowed the grass — it’s not as perfect as if you had mowed it, and in fact it’s quite atrocious, but most of the grass is cut and your teenager invested two hours of life getting it done. Get hold of yourself. Don’t point out the grass that was missed — you can do that next week before he starts again. Now is the time to say, “Nathan, you’re really coming along in your grass-mowing skills. I really appreciate your hard effort. I want you to know it is a real help to me and I appreciate it.” The same principle is true in marriage. Reward each other for effort rendered rather than pointing out the imperfections of the completed task. The husband who spends three hours painting a bedroom gets a wife pointing out a drip he missed — prediction: that’s the last painted room she’ll see for a while. The wife who fixes a meal and hears “Did you forget the slaw?” — prediction: he’ll be spending a lot of time at fast food restaurants for the next three months. Reward for effort, not perfection.
No matter what is going on in the life of your teenager that brings you pain, disappointment, or anger, continue to look for those actions worthy of praise and give your teenager affirming words.
Vicki Lansky, author of 101 Ways to Tell Your Child I Love You, told about the time her thirteen-year-old daughter Dana was feeling blue. She said to Dana, “I really enjoyed you today.” Why enjoy rather than love? Lansky explained that using the word enjoy rather than love really made the difference. Several times after that her daughter would ask, “Did you enjoy me today, too, Mommy?” Make up your own synonym and try it on your teenager: “I adore you,” “I feel proud when I think about you,” “You are my sunshine,” “If I could choose any teenager in the world, I would choose you,” “I wake every morning and think, ‘What a privilege to be your father,’” “Yesterday I was sitting at my desk thinking, ‘I really miss my daughter,’” “I love it when you are around.” Write them in a notebook and periodically sprinkle them in along with your “I love yous.”
Verbal affection can also focus on attributes of the teen’s body or personality. “Your hair looks like sunshine today” may be especially affirming to a sixteen-year-old who is wondering whether she looks okay. “Your eyes are beautiful” may be the words that return to the heart of a seventeen-year-old who has just been dumped by her boyfriend. “You are so strong” may be the words that change the mood of a fifteen-year-old who is overly concerned about facial blemishes. Look for physical characteristics you can verbally affirm. Words of affection can also focus on personality: “I am so happy that you have such an outgoing personality — I know that you think of yourself as shy, but I’ve observed that once you start talking to someone, you open up.” Or: “You are so steady — I like the way you think before you speak.” “Your bubbly personality makes so many people happy.” “One of the things I really admire about you is that you are dependable.” “I am so happy that I can trust you — other mothers tell me they cannot trust their daughters, but I trust you explicitly.” “I love the way you encourage people.”
Try affirming your teenager in the presence of the entire family. Give words of praise and appreciation in front of younger or older siblings — not in the presence of the teen’s peers, but within the home. Words of affirmation often speak louder when given before others. When Jeremy’s father said at dinner, “I said this to Jeremy earlier in private but I want to say it in front of the whole family — I was proud of him last night. He had reason to be angry with the official’s call, but he showed tremendous sportsmanship in the way he responded and I’m proud of him,” those words landed differently than they would have in a private hallway.
If your teenager’s love language is words of affirmation, the possibilities for creative expression are wide. Talk about a goal your teenager would like to reach and verbally encourage them to explore it. Put a sticky note with encouraging words on the cereal box they will see in the morning. Make a habit of mentioning something specific you have observed that highlights an accomplishment: “I really enjoyed the way you picked up your clothes without my asking,” or “I appreciate that you worked so hard to finish your paper on time.” When your teenager shares a post-high school dream, verbally encourage them to find out what reaching that goal would actually involve. Copy or cut out inspirational quotes as you find them and attach a note that says, “This really reminded me of you.” If you are artistic, create something for them; take a favorite piece of their artwork or a special note and have it professionally framed, then hang it in your home or office. When you have to be out of town, leave a series of short notes — one for each day you are apart. Text whenever they cross your mind just to say “I love you.” Display trophies, best school papers, and standout works in areas they recognize as important to you. When your teenager is feeling down, share five reasons you are proud of them. Create an encouragement jar that you and your teenager can drop notes into and read together regularly. And when a teenager makes a mistake while trying to do something helpful, make sure your first words recognize that you knew their intentions were good.
Chapter 4 — Love Language #2: Physical Touch
Times of major accomplishment are occasions when teenagers are usually open to loving physical touch from parents. It may be a victory on the athletic field, a successful piano recital, an exceptionally well-executed dance performance, the completion of a major paper for school, the passing of an algebra exam, or the securing of a driver’s license. These are the moments when that arm around a shoulder or that celebratory embrace carries real emotional weight.
Conversely, times of failure in the teenager’s life are also times for the love language of physical touch. The teenager who flunked the calculus exam, whose girlfriend just dumped him, or who just had a fender bender is open to it. The teenage daughter who is feeling in the pits because her best friend has a date for Friday night and she does not — or, worse, because her boyfriend has started dating her best friend — is open to it. Pain and triumph both create windows. A good rule of thumb is to never touch a teenager in the presence of friends unless the teenager initiates it. Read the context.
Every teenager needs to hear the language of physical touch. If they don’t hear it from parents, they will seek it elsewhere. The teenage daughter needs to feel good about herself as a female — to sense that she is attractive to the male gender. The father’s role is to give her this sense of well-being about herself. If the father withdraws physical affection from the daughter, she is far more likely to become sexually active at a younger age. The stakes are not small.
For teenagers whose primary love language is physical touch, small daily habits matter enormously. Hold hands during family prayers. Develop a unique handshake or greeting used only between you and your teenager, and use it regularly when you say goodbye or meet after being apart. If your teenager is under stress, gently stroke their head as they tell you about their situation. Hug and kiss every day when they leave for school — for as long as they will allow — but be sensitive to their resistance, especially in public. Shortly after disciplining your teenager, take a moment to give them a hug to show the discipline was a consequence of the wrong choice and not a statement against them as a person. Give each other a high five whenever you catch your teenager doing something positive. Purchase a gift that is touch-oriented — a soft pillow, a blanket, a sweater. Play games or sports together that involve physical contact. Offer to give a shoulder massage when they’ve had an especially difficult day. For father and son, playful wrestling can often express love, but only if this is genuinely enjoyed by the teenager. Walk into the bedroom if you see your teenager already in bed and pull the blankets up around them. These are not dramatic gestures — they are the steady accumulation of felt love.
Chapter 5 — Love Language #3: Quality Time
Real quality time means giving the teenager your undivided attention. Nothing else matters in those moments. As psychiatrist Ross Campbell wrote, “Without focused attention, a teenager experiences increased anxiety, because he feels everything else is more important than he is. He is consequently less secure and becomes impaired in his emotional and psychological growth.” The absence of focused attention is itself a message — and teenagers receive it clearly.
Consider a father and son watching a baseball game together. They may or may not experience togetherness. If the teen walks away from the experience feeling lonely, thinking that sports are more important to his father than he is, then togetherness did not occur. But if the teen gets the message — “The most important thing about this game is being with you; I love it when we do things together” — then father and son have connected and the son will walk away feeling loved. This does not mean every time you are together you must have long, in-depth conversations. However, it does mean that you must intentionally seek to communicate by eye contact, words, touch, and body language that the teen is more important than the event.
Quality conversation is quite different from words of affirmation. Words of affirmation focus on what you are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what you are hearing. When our children were little, we issued instructions and commands, but if we continue that pattern during the teenage years, the teenager will say, “You are treating me like a child” — and will be right. We must now treat our child as a teenager, remembering their emerging independence and encouraging their developing self-identity. This means allowing teenagers to think their own thoughts, experience their own emotions, have their own dreams, and share these without receiving unsolicited assessment. The goal is to help them evaluate their ideas, understand their emotions, and take realistic steps toward their dreams — in a friendly, encouraging atmosphere of dialogue rather than the dogmatic statements of monologue. For most parents, this is one of the greatest challenges of the teenage years.
Having a quality conversation takes practice. Maintain eye contact when your teenager is talking. Don’t multitask while listening — if you are watching, reading, or doing something else you cannot turn from immediately, tell the truth: “I know you are trying to talk to me and I’m interested. But I want to give you my full attention. If you give me ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.” Listen for feelings: “It sounds like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot …” gives the teen a chance to clarify and communicates that you are listening intently. Observe body language — sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another, and you should ask for clarification. Refuse to interrupt. Ask reflective questions — your aim is to answer: what is my teen thinking, what is my teen feeling, what does my teen desire of me? Don’t share your own ideas until you have clearly answered those questions. Express understanding. And ask permission to share your perspective rather than simply launching into it — “you” statements stop the flow of dialogue, while “I” statements open the road to further discussion.
Parents who learn how to ask questions will keep their teenagers talking — not badgering questions like “Where did you go, how long did you stay, who was with you?” but questions that solicit thought: “How do you think most teenagers reacted to the anti-war protest last week at the university?” Listen attentively and you will hear not only your teenager’s observation about peers but also their own thoughts on the subject. Keen interest in the teenager’s opinions, solicited by thoughtful questions, may also lead the teenager to ask for your opinions. Questions beget not only answers but also other questions. Replace “Because I said so” with “Let me tell you why.” Teenagers are developing their own ability to reason, and they respond to the person who has logical reasons for their beliefs.
When parents do not make time to attend the events in which their teenagers are involved, the message is: “You are not as important as other things.” When five thousand adults were asked what they least appreciated from their parents as a teenager, the number one response was, “They were not involved in my life.” Teenagers want their parents to be involved. Such involvement creates not only memories for the future but deep bonds of love in the present. Helping with homework, attending activities, driving your teens to the mall, and shopping with them all create opportunities for quality time. Parental involvement says, “Your interests are important to me.”
Camping or hiking trips, rafting, fishing, attending sports or musical events in a distant city, visiting museums and places of historical interest — these are ways to create environments for spending quality time. The key is to begin with the interests of your teenager. Seeking to tap into his son Derek’s interests, the author planned a trip for them every year during Derek’s teenage years and highly recommends it as a means of creating an environment for quality time.
Sometimes parents offer empty reassurances when they should simply listen: “By this time next week, you won’t even remember what happened today.” At other times they are too quick with advice: “Moping around won’t help — why don’t you go jogging or something?” These responses close the flow of communication. They express no empathy for what the teenager is feeling at the moment, and they communicate a know-it-all attitude. Some teenagers stop talking because they have learned over time that these are the kinds of responses they will receive.
According to Dr. Atwater, peer groups play four primary roles in the teenager’s life. They help the teen transition to adulthood by providing a social-emotional support group. They provide standards the teenager can use to judge their own behavior and experiences. They provide opportunities for developing interpersonal relationships and social skills. And they provide a context in which the teenager can develop a sense of self-identity. Understanding this helps parents see that the teenager is not choosing peers over parents — the peer group is serving functions that change as the teen develops, and the parent who stays meaningfully present can influence all of them.
If your teenager’s love language is quality time, the most important commitment is a commitment to change your personal schedule. Talking together in the car after school or practice is often enough, but the options extend far beyond that. Ask specific questions about the day that require more than yes or no. Stop what you are doing to make eye contact when your teenager tells you something important. Watch video recordings of special events together. Let your teenager tell you places they would like to go, then surprise them occasionally by arranging it. Turn off your show to watch your teenager’s favorite show with them. Cook something together — cookies or brownies — and talk about the day while you eat. Find silly things to laugh about and laugh about them a lot. If you have more than one child, arrange care for the others and take your teenager out for a quick breakfast before school or a smoothie after. Go a few minutes early to pick up your teenager from hockey practice or Student Council, stay late talking together, and get to know the coaches and teachers. Keep your scheduled times with your teenager on your calendar and make them high priority. Surprise your teenager with tickets to a special event and take pictures to strengthen the memory. If possible, take your teenager to your workplace and introduce them to your coworkers. Create traditions — eating ice cream at the same store each time, walking together at a particular park. Choose one or two board games or card games you play together regularly. Share more meals as a family at the table and make dinnertime a special occasion. Don’t give up tucking in your teenager at night — you may no longer read bedtime stories, but you can still talk about the day or pray together. Spend time doing homework together. Plant something together. Make photo albums or a scrapbook, either in a book or on a computer, and talk about the memories you shared in the process.
Chapter 6 — Love Language #4: Acts of Service
Parents sometimes ask, “If I continue with acts of service to my teenager, how will he learn to do things for himself and how will he learn to serve others?” The answer is found in modeling and guiding. We model unconditional love when we do things for the teenager that we know they would like — as long as we believe these actions are good for the teenager. But we must choose these acts wisely, because otherwise we create a dependent teenager who takes but never learns to give. Cooking a meal is an act of service, but teaching a teenager how to cook a meal is an even greater act of service.
The principle is simple: when they are young, you wash the clothes for them; when they are teenagers, you teach them how to wash the clothes. Many teenagers later find themselves married only to discover that neither they nor their spouse knows how to scrub a bathtub, vacuum floors, cook meals, or do laundry — totally inept in the basic skills of serving each other, because their parents failed to teach them the love language of acts of service. When the teen learns to perform acts of service, he will feel good about himself, and his sense of self-identity will be enhanced.
If your teenager’s love language is acts of service, there are many ways to speak it creatively. Acknowledge your teenager’s uniqueness by shopping together for new paint colors for their room and helping them paint it. Help them practice for their sports team — pitch and catch for baseball, rebounding free throws for basketball. Assist with a tough homework assignment. Make a favorite snack when they are having a difficult day. Do a chore that is usually their responsibility when they are especially loaded with homework or have tests coming up. Occasionally wake up a half hour earlier to make a surprise breakfast. Begin teaching the importance of serving others through regular involvement in a local community group or church ministry — for the more independent teenager, allow them to research opportunities and select the place of service. When running late, help your teenager quickly finish what needs to be done so they can arrive on time. When they are sick, go the extra step by setting up their favorite movie or making their favorite soup. Connect your teenager with a friend or family member who can help in an area of interest — dance lessons, soccer, or piano. Choose one special area in which you determine to always serve your teenager above and beyond normal expectations. Start a birthday dinner tradition where you make any meal they want on their birthday. Help create flash cards for an upcoming test and work together until they feel confident with the material. And if your teenager calls you at work in a crisis, sacrifice more time than usual to listen to their situation.
Chapter 7 — Love Language #5: Gifts
The purpose of gift-giving is not simply to transfer an object from one person’s possession to another. The purpose is to express emotional love — to have the person sense deeply: “I care about you, I think you are important, I love you.” These emotional messages are enhanced when attention is given to the ceremony accompanying the passing of the gift. When parents diminish the ceremony, they diminish the emotional power of the gift.
Consider what happens when Johnny requests a pair of basketball shoes. Mom or Dad drives Johnny to the mall, buys the shoes, Johnny wears them out of the store, and that is that — no ceremony at all. Many teenagers have become accustomed to this procedure, and such gifts communicate little emotional love. If all gifts are given this way, it creates an entitlement mentality in the teenager’s mind: I’m a teenager, my parents owe it to me to get me whatever I want. There is little appreciation on the part of the teenager and the gift has little emotional meaning. But if those same shoes are taken home, wrapped creatively, presented in the presence of other family members as an expression of love, and accompanied by words of affirmation and physical touch, then the gift suddenly becomes a strong vehicle of emotional love. The object has not changed. The ceremony has.
Parents must also encourage the teenager to work for money — this is the only way the teen will develop any sense of the value of money. If the teen works for the seventy-five dollars she is about to spend on designer clothing, she has a sense of the effort that goes into earning it. It forces the question: “Is this object worth the effort?” This is how a teenager becomes a discerning consumer. Working for money also forces the teen to make choices between material objects.
A simple and effective approach: say to your teenager, “If I should decide to buy you a gift this month, would you make me a list of two or three things you would like to have? Be as specific as possible — brand names, colors, sizes.” Most teenagers will be happy to oblige. Most wives also wish their husbands would ask this question periodically.
If your teenager’s love language is gifts, the following ideas can help you speak it well. Select presents that fit the interests of your teenager, choosing things perceived as appropriate by them. When on a shopping trip, give your teenager a set amount you will put toward an item they select. Keep a small collection of inexpensive gifts packed away and give them one at a time as you sense a need. Carry candy or gum to give as a small gift when you are away from home. Make a special meal you know they like, go to a favorite restaurant, or make their favorite dessert. Start a collection of unique gift boxes and wrapping papers for packaging even the most simple present. When away from home, mail a small package with your teenager’s name on it in large letters. Keep a gift bag of small inexpensive items — including coupons for special privileges, like allowing three friends to stay over that weekend or choosing where the family eats next time you go out. Create a scavenger hunt with a map and clues leading to the main surprise. Hide a small gift in your teenager’s coat pocket with an encouraging note attached. If you are away for a few days, leave a small package for each day with a special gift and note reminding them how much you love them. Consider gifts that last: a tree you can plant together, a board game you can play in the future, a picture they can hang in their room. Buy a ring or necklace just from you. During the Christmas season, shop together to purchase a gift for someone in need — through Angel Tree, The Salvation Army, or a similar organization. And give hints leading toward a special upcoming gift. A countdown of notes — “Only four more days until present day” — creates anticipation and a tremendous sense of being loved for the teenager whose love language is gifts.
Chapter 8 — Discover Your Teenager’s Primary Love Language
When a person is receiving enough of their primary love language, the secondary love language then becomes more important. But there is also the possibility that parents have originally misread the child’s love language. This is not uncommon — parents tend to see their children through their own eyes rather than the child’s eyes. It is easy to think that because your love language is physical touch, that will be true of your child. We tend to believe what we want to believe rather than what is true from the child’s perspective.
If you have been speaking what you believe to be your teenager’s love language and you are not seeing the expected response, consider that the problem may be in the dialect rather than the language itself. Patti, for example, described what she was saying to her son: “You are the greatest. I’m so proud of you. You are so smart. You are so good looking.” These were the same words she had always given him. And there is the problem: Patti is speaking the same dialects she used when he was a child. Seldom do teenagers want to continue hearing the dialects of childhood. Since these were the words they heard as children, they associate them with childhood — and the teenager trying to establish independence does not want to be treated as a child. Parents who want their teenagers to feel loved must learn new dialects. For Patti, that meant eliminating the childlike phrases and coming up with new verbal expressions using more adult words: “I admire the strong stand you took for that boy who was being picked on at school,” “I appreciate your hard work on the lawn,” “I trust you because I know you respect the rights of others.” These statements express high regard without the ring of childishness.
If you want to discover your teenager’s primary love language, you can ask directly. “From your perspective, what would make our relationship better?” is one approach. Another is: “Lately I have been thinking about how I can be a better husband to your mother and a better father to you and Kerstin. If you could change anything about me, what would you change?” These questions, asked sincerely, will often surface the very thing the teenager most needs.
You can also discover the primary love language through indirect questions. Ask, “Who would you say is your best friend?” When the teen answers with a name, follow up: “What does he do that makes you feel he is your best friend?” If the response is “He listens when I talk and tries to understand,” your teenager has just revealed that quality time is the primary love language. Another experiment is to give the teen a choice between two options and keep a record. A father says to his thirteen-year-old son, “I have two hours free this afternoon — would you like to fly your new kite together or go to the store for batteries for your new camera?” The choice is between quality time and a gift. Do what the son chooses, keep a record, and over time a clear pattern will emerge.
Chapter 9 — Anger and Teenagers
Two of the most important relationship skills a teenager can learn are how to express love and how to process anger. When you feel anger rising, it helps to begin by asking yourself a series of honest questions: Why am I angry? What wrong has the other person committed? Am I judging their behavior without having all the facts? Do I really know their motive? Has my teenager misbehaved, or am I being overly sensitive? Are my expectations too high for the developmental level of my teen? Whatever the reason, if the anger reveals your own selfishness, recognize it as your problem and release it. You may say aloud or to yourself: “My anger reveals my selfishness.”
When the teenager finishes the initial explosion of angry words, share with the teen what you think you heard and give them a chance to clarify. Try something like: “What I think I hear you saying is that you are angry because I … Is that what you are saying?” This indicates that you are listening and want to hear more. The teenager will invariably give you more. Continue to write down what you are hearing. Resist the temptation to defend yourself. After the third round of listening, the teenager will sense that you have taken them seriously — and when a teenager believes they have been genuinely heard, the conversation shifts.
Empathy is essential. This means becoming a teenager for a moment — remembering the insecurities, the mood shifts, the desire for independence and self-identity, the importance of being accepted by peers, and the desperate need for love and understanding from parents. The parent who does not seek to have empathy with their teen will have difficulty affirming the teenager’s feelings of anger. But the parent who can enter that emotional world, even briefly, creates the possibility of genuine connection in the very moment when connection feels most impossible.
Chapter 10 — Loving Your Teen in Single-Parent and Blended Families
The important issue for the custodial parent is to focus on the teenager’s emotions, not the teenager’s behavior. This is exactly the opposite of what parents typically do — and making this shift is one of the most important moves a single parent can make. Simple things like going to the grocery store or bank together can be meaningful to your teenager. But the teen knows when she is being taken advantage of. When your interests center on yourself rather than the teenager, the teen will quickly resent it.
Kindly but firmly keep the boundaries in place. The teenager needs the security of knowing that parents care enough to say no to those things they believe to be detrimental to the teenager. It obviously works best if both parents can talk about boundaries and maintain the same list of rules and consequences. Don’t try to talk the teenager out of thoughts and feelings. If the teen chooses to talk, listen carefully and affirm the emotions.
As parents, you have the final word — but teenagers need to be part of the process in deciding the rules and the consequences when rules are broken. If you establish the idea of a family forum early on, with the understanding that any family member can call a forum anytime something about family life needs to be changed, you establish a vehicle for processing emotions and ideas that is durable enough to survive the turbulence of the teenage years. Teenagers learn responsibility when consequences are enforced, and they learn trust when the adults around them are consistent enough to follow through.
Chapter 11 — Love and the Desire for Independence
The goal is to encourage the teenager’s independence while at the same time meeting the teen’s need for love — and these two aims are not as opposed as they sometimes feel. Allowing the teen to sit with friends rather than family at the theater or church, when accompanied by an expression of love, is a way of both affirming independence and meeting the teen’s need for love. Occasionally allowing the teenager to remain at home or eat dinner with a friend while the rest of the family goes to a restaurant serves the same purpose. Providing private space and the freedom to decorate it as the teen desires, accompanied by meaningful expressions of love, fosters independence and keeps the emotional love tank full.
One way teenagers establish emotional independence is by keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Parents should respect this. After all, do you share all of your thoughts and feelings with your teenager? A wise parent might say: “I know that sometimes you don’t want to share your thoughts and feelings with me. I understand, and that’s fine. But if you do want to talk, I want you to know I’m always available.”
On events where the teenager’s presence is genuinely important, you should expect them to attend — but announce these occasions well in advance. This gives your teenager not only chronological time but emotional time to prepare. And explain why you feel their presence matters. The teenager who understands the reason is far more likely to honor the expectation.
Nothing is more central to teenage culture than music. The parent who criticizes the teen’s choice of music will be indirectly criticizing the teen. If such criticism continues, the teenager will feel unloved. However, if you affirm the teen’s freedom of choice and continue to express love in the primary love language, the teenager’s independence is fostered and the need for love is met. A more positive approach: read the lyrics — not listen, because you will probably not be able to understand the words — and find out what you can about the musicians who write and sing them. Point out things you like about the lyrics and positive things about those who perform. Listen as your teenager shares their own impressions. If you have been consistently positive, then occasionally you can say, “You know, it troubles me a bit that in this otherwise positive song there is this one line that seems so destructive — what do you think?” Because your teenager knows you have not been broadly critical, she will be inclined to hear your concern and may even agree. Even if she disagrees, you have planted a seed.
Teenagers will speak a different language than their parents. When your child becomes a teenager, she will learn a new vocabulary — don’t try to learn it yourself, because that would be embarrassing for everyone involved. The whole purpose is to have a language parents do not understand. It is a form of social independence — the teen is putting distance between herself and the parent, and language is one means of doing this.
Parents who create a full-scale conflict over a teenager’s clothing are fighting a useless battle that turns a normal developmental phenomenon into a divisive issue between parent and teenager. Such battles do not change teenagers’ ideas and offer no positive rewards for parents. Wise parents share their opinions if they must, but back off and give the teenager the freedom to develop social independence.
Intellectual independence follows a similar pattern. The teenager begins examining things that were previously accepted without question, now applying the test of reason and logic. This often means questioning parents’ beliefs as well as those of teachers and other significant adults. These questions tend to cluster around three areas: values, moral beliefs, and religious beliefs. Parents who wish to be an influential part of this reasoning process must shift from monologue to dialogue, from preaching to conversation, from dogmatism to exploration, from control to influence. The teenager wants to know why. Where is the evidence? They will examine not only your words but also your actions. Parents who welcome moral questions, who are willing to talk about their own beliefs and practices, who listen to opposing viewpoints, and who give reasons for their moral positions — those parents keep the road to dialogue open and positively influence their teens’ moral decisions.
Whereas values answer the question “What is important?” and morals answer “What is right?” religion seeks to answer “What is true?” Your teenager is going to explore religious thoughts. The question is simply whether you want to be a part of that exploration and whether you want to love your teenager in the process. If you recognize the right to independent thought and are willing to invest the time and create the atmosphere for meaningful dialogue in a loving setting, the teenager will continue to be plugged in to parental influence. If you draw lines in the sand and make dogmatic proclamations about what teenagers are going to believe and do, you will create an adversarial relationship — and you will lose the ability to speak into the questions that matter most.
Chapter 12 — Love and the Need for Responsibility
Adults are allowed the freedom of living in a house as long as they take the responsibility of paying the monthly mortgage. The electric company allows freedom to have the lights on as long as the customer takes the responsibility of paying the bill. All of life is organized around the principles of freedom and responsibility — the two never stray far from each other. And it is a major part of parenting to help the teenager make this discovery.
Wise parents bring their teenagers into the circle of decision-making, letting them express ideas on what constitutes fair and worthy rules. Parents share their own reasons and demonstrate why they think a rule is good for the teenager. In such open family forums, parents still have the final word — but they will be wiser when they know the teenager’s thoughts and feelings about the matter. And if the teenager has had a voice in making the rule, he is more likely to believe the rule is fair and less likely to rebel. The principle is straightforward: if you can accept the responsibility, then you can have the freedom. If you cannot accept the responsibility, then you are not ready for the freedom.
Parents who are proactive will call a family forum before the teenager starts complaining about childish rules — acknowledging that their child is now a teenager, and that this calls for rethinking the family rules to allow more freedom and more responsibility. Being proactive in this way is a strategy of great wisdom.
Some rules about the rules. Rules should be as few as possible. Remember, God only came up with ten — they are called the Ten Commandments — and Jesus summarized these in two. Rules should be as clear as possible. And rules should be as fair as possible. Fairness is very important to your teenager. The teenager is wrestling with values, morals, logic, and reason, and if a teenager’s sense of fairness is violated, the teenager will be angry. If the parent then cuts off discussion, arbitrarily enforces the rule, and refuses to deal with the teenager’s anger, the teenager will feel rejected and will later resent the parent.
Rules without consequences are not only worthless but also confusing. Three guidelines govern consequences well. First, consequences should be determined before a violation — everyone should know in advance what will happen before there is any occasion for it to happen. Second, consequences should be administered with love: “I know that it will be very difficult for you not to be able to drive the car this week. I wish I didn’t have to take your keys. But you know the rule and you know the consequences. Because I love you, I don’t have any other option — I must let you experience the pain of having broken the rule.” Third, consequences should be administered consistently. Inconsistency creates anger, resentment, and confusion, and violates the teenager’s sense of fairness. Formulate your rules and consequences by asking two questions: What are the important issues in helping my teenager develop into a mature adult? And what dangers need to be avoided and what responsibilities need to be learned?
Around the house, if teenagers are to learn to serve beyond the family, they must first learn to serve the family. Real household responsibilities — supervising a younger sibling, helping to cook dinner, taking care of the family pet, mowing the grass, trimming shrubs, vacuuming floors, cleaning bathrooms, doing laundry — give teenagers the practice ground they need. If a teenager chooses not to perform assigned responsibilities, the consequences are determined in terms of loss of freedom. For example, if the driving teenager is assigned to take the family car to the carwash by noon on Saturday, and the predetermined consequence is losing driving privileges for two days, wise parents will not stay on the teenager’s back. It is a choice: shoulder responsibility and have the accompanying freedom, or be less mature and lose that freedom. The teenager will seldom wish to lose such freedom, and parents will not waste time and energy fretting over whether the car gets washed.
Regarding schoolwork, if the attendance rule is broken, the consequences might be that for every day missed at school, the teenager will spend Saturday reading a book and making a verbal report to the parent on what was read. They will not be allowed to leave the house during the normal hours they would have been at school. Most teenagers will lose only one Saturday before the lesson takes hold.
Regarding money management: credit cards encourage spending beyond one’s income, and such spending is an extremely poor practice to teach teenagers. Fundamentally, a teenager cannot learn to manage money until he has some money to manage. This has led many parents to the decision that the teenager should be given a regular allowance rather than coming to the parent every two days asking for another twenty dollars. A far better approach is for parents and teens to agree on a weekly or monthly allowance, with a clear understanding of what areas of expenditure the teenager is responsible for — clothing, food, music, gas, and so on. Once the amount is set, it should not be changed simply because the teenager complains that it is not enough. If the teenager wants more than the allowance covers, the teenager must secure a means of earning money outside the family. If not yet old enough to work in a fast food restaurant, the options include mowing lawns, babysitting, delivering papers, or any number of other jobs available to younger teens.
Be sure to communicate to the teenager that the allowance is given because you love them and want them to learn to handle money responsibly — not because of household duties, which is a separate matter entirely. The teenager should not be allowed to earn additional funds from parents, because that confuses the issue of normal expected household responsibilities. Let them earn outside the family. Loaning the teenager money is also a mistake: it teaches spending beyond one’s income, which is precisely the wrong lesson.
Dating can be a positive experience in building the teenager’s self-esteem and developing relationship skills necessary for mature adult romantic relationships. Researcher Laurence Steinberg warns that girls who begin dating in early adolescence risk being caught up in a misty, romantic feeling and will typically date older boys who are likely to overpower them psychologically as well as physically. After thirty years of marriage and family counseling, the wisdom that emerges is this: early adolescence is the time for same-sex friendships, gradually followed by group activities involving girls and boys, and in later adolescence, one-on-one dating. If the teenage girl feels loved by her father, she is less likely to seek emotional love from an older teenager. The teenage boy who feels loved by his mother is less likely to exploit a younger girl for his own emotional or physical pleasure. The love languages are not separate from the dating question — they are directly connected to it.
Nothing destroys independence faster than alcohol and drug addiction. The most powerful thing a parent can do to make drug use less likely is to model abstinence. Teenagers who watch parents drink every night to unwind are far more likely to use and abuse alcohol. Teenagers who watch parents misuse prescription drugs are much more likely to become drug users. In the family forum, parents should express their desire that the teenager abstain — making clear that this is not because of some ill-founded or illogical belief, but based on clearly researched facts. And while knowing that the teenager will someday be an adult and can make his own decisions, it is entirely legitimate for parents to insist that while at home, the rule is no alcohol and no drugs. Consequences for violation should be stringent. One parent suggested that the first offense would remove driving privileges for one month, the second offense for three months, and the third offense would result in the car being sold and never replaced by the parent.
Chapter 13 — Loving When Your Teen Fails
”Good parenting is doing the right thing when a child does the wrong thing.” Your best efforts at loving and parenting do not guarantee success. Teenagers are their own people, and they are free to make choices — good and bad. How a parent responds in the aftermath of failure may be the most consequential parenting decision they ever make.
The first response many parents have when their teen fails is to ask, “What did we do wrong?” It is a logical question, particularly in a society that has placed so much emphasis on the value of proper parenting. However, many self-help books and parenting seminars have overestimated the power of positive parenting and failed to properly reckon with the teenager’s freedom of choice. Before you help your teen, deal with your own response first — and resist the reflex to blame yourself for choices your teenager freely made.
Usually the teenager is already feeling guilty. Teens know when their behavior hurts parents. They are aware when they violate the moral codes they have been taught. Preaching is unnecessary. Don’t let your first words be words of condemnation: “Why did you do this? You know this violates everything we’ve taught you through the years. How could you do this to us? Don’t you know you are tearing our hearts apart? You have ruined everything. I can’t believe you could be so stupid.” The teenager is already having those thoughts and asking himself those questions. If the parent makes these statements, the teen may become defensive and stop wrestling with the questions himself. A teenager who has failed needs to wrestle with his own guilt — but does not need further condemnation from the outside.
Do not try to fix it. Teens learn some of life’s deepest lessons through experiencing the consequences of failure. When parents remove these consequences, the teenager receives a different message: “I can do wrong and someone else will take care of the consequences.” Such a conclusion makes it difficult for the teenager to learn responsibility. It is difficult to watch our teenagers suffer the consequences of their decisions — but to remove the consequences is to remove one of life’s greatest teachers.
This is where the five love languages are exceedingly important. If you know your teenager’s love language, this is the time to speak that primary language loudly, while demonstrating the other four as often as possible. God’s response to Adam and Eve offers a good model for parents — He let them suffer the consequences of their wrongdoing, but at the same time He gave them a gift. They were trying to hide themselves with fig leaves. He gave them leather coats. The wise parent gives love to the teenager no matter what the failure. The teenager needs to know that no matter what has been done, someone still believes in them, still believes they are valuable, and is willing to forgive. When the teenager senses emotional love from parents, they are more likely to face the failure head on, accept the consequences as deserved, and learn something positive from the experience.
Listen with empathy. Give support. Let the teen know that while you do not agree with what was done and cannot remove all the consequences, you are with them and will stand by their side as they walk through the process of dealing with the fallout.
Give guidance rather than control. Parents with controlling personalities often want to control the teenager’s behavior after a moral failure — they decide what ought to be done and try to convince the teenager to do it. But this is manipulation, not guidance. Guidance is helping the teenager think through the situation so as to make wise choices in responding to the consequences of the failure. The teenager cannot become a responsible adult without the freedom to grapple with the situation and make decisions about where to go from here. One way to give guidance is to help the teen follow their own thoughts to their logical conclusion. Another is to share your ideas as possibilities rather than directives: “One possible approach might be …” is far more helpful than “What I think you ought to do is …” Remember that in spite of moral failure, the teenager still wants to develop independence and self-identity. If, in the end, the teenager makes a decision you believe to be unwise, you allow the natural outcomes to follow. If those outcomes are negative and the teenager fails again, you repeat the process — because being a responsible parent is helping your teenager learn from their own mistakes.
Daniel and Micki are not alone in having said, “The darkest night of our lives was the beginning of a deeper and more meaningful relationship with our teenager.” Love is the key for turning tragedy into triumph. The teenager who fails does not need parents who walk behind, kicking and condemning. Nor does the teen need parents who walk ahead, pulling and trying to force conformity. What the teenager needs is parents who will walk alongside, speaking the teen’s love language with a sincere desire to learn together how to take responsible steps after failure.
Epilogue
Teenagers who genuinely feel loved by their parents are far more likely to respond to the deep longings for community, to welcome structure, to respond positively to guidelines, and to find purpose and meaning in life. Nothing holds more potential for positively changing culture than parental love.
After many years of marriage and family counseling, the observation that stands out is this: most parents love their teenagers. But thousands of these teenagers do not feel loved by their parents. Sincerity is not enough. To effectively communicate love to a teenager, you must learn the teen’s primary love language and speak it regularly. You must also learn the dialects within that primary love language — the particular expressions that speak most deeply to the soul of your teenager. General love is not enough; it has to be the right love, spoken in the right way, at the right frequency.
When a teenager does not feel loved, the words of adults fall on deaf ears. The teenager desperately needs the wisdom of older, more mature adults. But without love, the transfer of wisdom will be ineffective. Love is not the soft part of parenting — it is the load-bearing beam. Everything else rests on it.