The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively
Gary Chapman
Teenagers who feel genuinely loved are more open — learn to speak their specific love language.
Most parents love their teenagers — and most teenagers don't feel it. Chapman shows the core problem is a language mismatch: the actions that communicated love at six can feel patronizing at sixteen.
Everything Chapman wants you to walk away with
Speaking the wrong love language is like speaking French to someone who only understands Japanese. The words and actions that communicated love when your child was six can feel patronizing or invisible at sixteen.
Every teenager has a primary love language that fills their emotional tank most effectively. Parents tend to love in their own language, not their teen's. Learning which one actually registers is the single most important relationship skill.
Deep within the soul of every teenager is the desire to feel connected, accepted, and nurtured by parents. When this doesn't happen, the emptiness will greatly affect their behavior. Fill the tank first — discipline lands far better on a loved teenager.
Teenagers can now think logically and see consequences of different positions. If parents understand this, they can have meaningful conversations. If they don't, they develop an adversarial relationship and the teen goes elsewhere to flex intellectual muscles.
Telling a teenager 'you did a good job cleaning your room' when they didn't is a slap in the face of their intelligence. But 'thanks for getting the coffee stain out of the carpet' rings true. Sincerity and specificity are everything with teenagers.
Times of success and times of failure are both windows for loving physical touch. If teenagers don't receive it from parents, they will seek it elsewhere. A father's appropriate affection toward his daughter reduces her likelihood of early sexual activity.
Father and son watching a game may or may not experience togetherness. If the teen thinks sports are more important than he is, connection didn't happen. Quality conversation focuses on what you're hearing, not what you're saying.
Allow your teen to think their own thoughts, experience their own emotions, and share these without receiving your unsolicited assessment. Help them evaluate ideas in a friendly atmosphere of dialogue, not dogmatic monologue. For most parents, this is the greatest challenge.
Every teenager must wrestle with whether their parents' belief systems are worthy of commitment. Parents who don't understand this become a negative influence and push the teen away. Give honest answers in a nonauthoritarian manner.
Rule one: when one person talks, others listen sympathetically. Rule two: others may ask questions to clarify, but don't give advice unless asked. This simple ritual builds the connection that makes everything else — discipline, guidance, trust — possible.
These notes are inspired by direct excerpts and woven together into a readable guide you can follow from start to finish.
By Gary Chapman
It is only when parents become uninvolved that their main role of guidance is replaced by someone or something else (the gang, the peer group, or social media).
This book focuses on what I believe to be the most foundational building block of parent teen relationships. Love.
I am not suggesting that parents do not love their teenagers; I am suggesting that thousands of teenagers do not feel that love. For most parents, it is not a matter of sincerity but rather lack of information on how to communicate love effectively on an emotional level.
From the early days of emerging teenage culture to its contemporary counterpart, the underlying themes have been the same: independence and self identity. Throughout the years, teenagers in our American society have been active in searching for their identity while trying to establish independence from their parents.
First, there is the challenge of accepting and adapting to the changes that take place in the teen’s body. Arms and legs, hands and feet are all growing, sometimes at a disproportionate rate, producing the reality of “teenage clumsiness” (which can be a source of extreme embarrassment for the teenager). Sexual characteristics are also developing, which may be both exciting and anxiety inducing. And what parent has not felt the pain as they watched their teenager struggle with that most devastating of enemies, acne?
Adolescence is also the age of reason. The teenager is able to think logically and to see the logical consequences of different positions. This logic is applied not only to his own reasoning but also to the reasoning of his parents. Do you see why a teenager might often be perceived as “argumentative”? In reality, he is developing his mental skills. If the parents understand this, they can then have meaningful and interesting conversations with their teenagers. If they don’t understand this, they can develop an adversarial relationship, and the teenager must go elsewhere to flex his newfound intellectual muscles. With this rapid growth in intellectual development and the gleaning of new information, the teenager often believes himself to be smarter than his parents and, in some areas, he may be right.
Thus, development of cliques (small, close social groups) among teens has far more to do with agreement over intellectual ideas than it does with things like dress and hair color. Teens, like adults, tend to feel more comfortable with those who agree with them.
The intellectual ability to analyze ideas and actions in a logical manner and to project outcomes of certain beliefs gives rise to another common teenage challenge: examining the belief systems with which one was raised, and determining if those beliefs are worthy of one’s commitment. “Were my parents right in their views of God, morality, and values?” These are heavy issues with which every teenager must wrestle. If parents do not understand this struggle they will often become a negative influence and actually push the teenager away. When the teenager questions the parents about basic beliefs, wise parents welcome the questions, seek to give honest answers in a nonauthoritarian manner, and encourage the teenager to continue to explore these ideas. In other words, they welcome the opportunity to dialogue with the teenager about the beliefs that they have espoused through the years.
Parents who want to help will use the normal flow of family conversation to address issues related to sexuality, dating, and marriage. They will also guide their teenager to the right printed materials and websites that speak on the teenage level while providing practical and sound information.
There is one other common challenge faced by teenagers of the past and present. It is grappling with the question: “What will I do with my life?” This question does involve choosing a vocation, but it is far deeper than that. It is ultimately a spiritual question: “What is worth the investment of my life? Where will I find the greatest happiness? And where can I make the greatest contribution?” As philosophical as these questions may appear, they are very real to our teenagers. More immediately, teenagers must answer the questions: “Will I go to college, and if so, where? Should I join the military, and if so, which branch? Or should I get a job, and if so, which job?” Of course, teenagers understand that these choices all lead somewhere. There is something beyond the next step and somehow, the next step will influence where teenagers end up. It is an awesome challenge for these young minds. Parents who wish to be helpful will share something of their own struggle, their own joys, and their own disappointments. As a parent, you cannot and should not offer easy answers, but you can encourage the teenager’s search and perhaps introduce your son or daughter to people of various vocations who can share their journey. You can encourage your adolescent to take advantage of vocational counselors both at high school and later at the university. But ultimately, you should encourage your teenager to follow the example of Samuel. The ancient Hebrew prophet heard God’s call as a teenager, and said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”
With all these similarities, let’s not forget that a mighty gulf exists between the contemporary teenager and teenagers of the past (even the recent past):
The good news is that contemporary teenagers are looking to parents for guidance. In a recent survey, teens reported that parents have more influence than peers do in the following areas: whether to attend college, whether to attend religious services, whether to do homework, and whether to drink. Parents also had an impact on the teens’ job or career plans. Friends had more influence on their decisions in terms of immediate issues such as whether or not to cut classes, who to date, hairstyles, and what kind of clothes they wore.
Deep within the soul of the teenager is the desire to feel connected, accepted, and nurtured by parents. When this happens, the teenager feels loved. When the teen does not feel connected, accepted, and nurtured, his inner emotional tank is empty, and that emptiness will greatly affect the behavior of the teen.
If parents want their teenager to feel loved, they must make time to be with them.
In my opinion, the meal table is one of the best places to build emotional connectedness with teenagers.
Announce to the teenagers and younger children that you are starting a new tradition at mealtimes: “First, we talk to God (yes, teach your children to be grateful for their food), then we talk to each other; after that, if we wish, we can revert to TV, newspapers, and radio.” And leave the screens off the table!
Begin by having someone volunteer to thank God for the food and the person or persons who prepared it. Then each family member shares with the others three things that happened in their life that day and how they feel about them. Rule #1: when one family member is talking, the others are listening sympathetically. Rule #2: the others may ask questions to clarify what they are hearing, but they don’t give advice unless the person who is sharing solicits it.
“The main thing I like about my parents is that they accept me for who I am. They don’t try to make me like my older sister.” This teenager feels loved, and this love comes from being accepted by his parents.
Paul, a first century apostle of the Christian faith, said of God, “He made us accepted in the Beloved.” He was alluding to the central Christian doctrine that the God who is holy has accepted us who are unholy because He sees us as being a part of Himself because we have accepted His Son, the Beloved. Since we have accepted His Son, God has accepted us. Paul’s idea is that though God is not always pleased with our behavior, God is always pleased with us because we are His children. As parents, this is what we are trying to do. We want to communicate with our children that we are happy to be their parents, no matter what, without respect to their behavior patterns. This is what we typically refer to as unconditional love. Unconditional love says, “I love you, I care about you. I am committed to you because you are my child. I don’t always like what you do, but I always love you and care about your well being. You are my son or daughter and I will never reject you. I will always be here doing what I believe is best for you. I will love you no matter what.”
Nurturing parents have a positive attitude. I do not mean that they deny the realities of life, but they choose to see the hand of God behind the scenes of human events. They look for the sun behind the clouds and they communicate this spirit to their teenagers.
Parents who treat the teenager in the same manner in which they treated the child will not experience the same results they received earlier. When the teenager does not respond as the child responded, the parents are now pushed to try something different. Without proper training, parents almost always revert to efforts at coercion, which often lead to arguments, loss of temper, and perhaps verbal abuse. Such behavior is emotionally devastating to the teenager whose primary love language is words of affirmation. The parents’ efforts to verbally argue the teenager into submission are in reality pushing the teenager toward rebellion.
I suggested that the first step was a cease fire: stop the condemning, negative bombshells. Second, they should call for a family conference and openly share with Brad their deep regret that even though they were sincere parents and had nothing but his best interests in mind, they realized they had gone about parenting him in the wrong way. They could further say that they had a lot to learn about parenting during the teenage years, that they sincerely wanted to learn and, more than anything, they wanted him to know that they loved him no matter what he did, and that they would always love him. “I encourage you to tell Brad that you care first and foremost about his well being and that you intend to eliminate critical, condemning, demeaning, and harsh words from your vocabulary. “Be honest with Brad. Tell him that you won’t be perfect in doing this over the next few months, but when you fail, you will sincerely apologize because that is not your intention.
As one mother said to me, “Dr. Chapman, surely you are not suggesting that we simply let teenagers do whatever they want to do?” I responded with a resounding: “Certainly not.” Teenagers need boundaries. Parents who love them will see that they live within the boundaries. But there is a better way to motivate teenagers to do so than by yelling cruel, bitter, condemning words when they misbehave.
If there is a stage of life where humans need more affirming words, it would certainly be during the teenage years. Yet this is the very stage at which parents often turn to negative words in their efforts to get the teenager to do what parents believe is best.
Two factors are important in giving words of praise to teenagers. First and foremost is sincerity. Teenagers are looking for adults with integrity and authenticity. You may have gotten away with flattery when she was three, but it will not work when she is thirteen. To tell a teenager, “You did a good job cleaning your room,” when in fact she did not, is a slap in the face to your daughter’s intelligence. She is smarter than that. Don’t play those games. This brings me to the second important factor in praising teenagers: Praise specifics. Sweeping general statements of praise such as “You did a good job cleaning your room” are seldom ever true. The truth is far more often found in the specifics. “You did a good job of getting the coffee stain out of the carpet.” “Thanks for putting the dirty clothes in the hamper; it was a real help when I did the laundry this morning.” “Thanks for raking the leaves out of the side yard Saturday. It really looks nice.” These are the kinds of specific praises that ring true with the teenager. Train yourself to look for specifics.
However, there is a third aspect of giving praise: When you can’t praise results, praise efforts. For instance, your thirteen year old has mowed the grass. It’s not as perfect as if you had mowed it, and in fact it’s quite atrocious. You have a little more experience than he. But most of the grass is cut, and your teenager invested two hours of life laying the grass low. Get hold of yourself, don’t point out the grass that was missed. You can do that next week before he starts mowing again. Now is the time to say, “Nathan, you’re really coming along in your grass mowing skills. I really appreciate your hard effort. I want you to know it is a real help to me and I appreciate it.”
I would like to suggest that the same principle is true in your marriage relationship. Reward each other for effort rendered rather than pointing out the imperfections of the completed task. Try it. It works. I promise. For example, the husband spends three hours painting a bedroom. His wife comes in and points out a drip he missed. Prediction: that’s the last painted room she’ll see for a while. Or the wife fixes a meal for her husband. He sits down at the table and says, “Did you forget the slaw?” Prediction: I hope he likes fast food restaurants. He’s going to spend a lot of time there the next three months. Case closed. Reward for effort, not perfection.)
No matter what is going on in the life of your teenager that brings you pain, disappointment, or anger, continue to look for those actions worthy of praise, and give your teenager affirming words.
Vicki Lansky, author of 101 Ways to Tell Your Child I Love You, told about the time her thirteen year old daughter Dana was feeling blue and she wanted to cheer her up. She said to Dana, “I really enjoyed you today.” Why did she say “enjoy” rather than “love”? Lansky explained, “Using the word enjoy rather than the word love really made the difference.” Several times after that her daughter would ask, “Did you enjoy me today, too, Mommy?” Make up your own synonym and try it on your teenager. Here are some examples to get you started: “I adore you.” “I feel proud when I think about you.” “You are my sunshine.” “If I could choose any teenager in the world, I would choose you.” “You are so wonderful.” “I wake every morning and think ‘What a privilege to be your father/mother.’” “Yesterday I was sitting at my desk thinking, ‘I really miss my daughter.’” “I love it when you are around.” Now think up a few of your own and write them in a notebook and periodically sprinkle them in along with your “I love yous.”
Verbal affection can also focus on various attributes of the teen’s body or personality. “Your hair looks like sunshine today” may be especially affirming to a sixteen year old who is wondering if she “looks OK.” “Your eyes are beautiful” may be the words that return to the heart of the seventeen year old who has just been dumped by her boyfriend. “You are so strong” may be the words that change the mood of a fifteen year old son who is overly concerned about facial blemishes. Look for physical characteristics of your teenager that you can verbally affirm. It is an effective way of expressing verbal affection.
These words of affection may also focus on the teenager’s personality. “I am so happy that you have such an outgoing personality. I know that you think of yourself as being shy, but I’ve observed that once you start talking to someone, you open up. It’s just like the floodgates open and you start talking freely.” Here are other expressions that show love for who your teenager is: “You are so steady. I like the way you think before you speak.” “Your bubbly personality makes so many people happy.” “You may be quiet, but when you speak, you say something.” “One of the things I really admire about you is that you are dependable. When you give your word, I can count on it.” “I am so happy that I can trust you. Other mothers tell me that they cannot trust their daughters, but I trust you explicitly.” “I love the way you encourage people. I observed you last night talking with Tim after the game was over. You have a real gift of encouragement.”
Try affirming your teenager in the presence of the entire family. Give words of praise and appreciation in the presence of younger or older siblings. (I don’t suggest you do it in the presence of the teen’s peers.) Words of affirmation often speak louder when given in the presence of others. For example, the family is having dinner when Jeremy’s father says, “I said this to Jeremy earlier in private but I want to say it in front of the whole family. I was proud of him last night. He had reason to be angry with the official’s call, but he showed tremendous sportsmanship in the way he responded and I’m proud of him.”
One such occasion is when your teenager has succeeded in a major accomplishment. It may be any number of occasions: a victory on the athletic field, a successful piano recital, an exceptionally well executed dance performance, the completion of a major paper for school, the passing of an algebra exam, the securing of a driver’s license. These are the times when teenagers are usually open to loving physical touch from parents.
Conversely, times of failure in the teenager’s life are also times for expressing the love language of physical touch. The teenager is down on himself because he flunked the calculus exam, his girlfriend just dumped him, or he just had a fender bender. Your teenage daughter is feeling in the pits because her best friend has a date for Friday night and she does not, or, worse yet, her boyfriend has just broken up with her and started dating her best friend. These are occasions when teenagers are open to the love language of physical touch.
A good rule of thumb is to never touch a teenager in the presence of his/her friends unless the teenager initiates it.
Every teenager needs to hear the language of physical touch. If they don’t hear it from parents, they will seek it elsewhere.
The teenage daughter needs to feel good about herself as a female. She needs to sense that she is attractive to the male gender. The father’s role is to give her this sense of well being about herself. Appropriate physical touch is a vehicle for doing this. If the father withdraws physical affection from the daughter, she is far more likely to become sexually active at a younger age.
Real, quality time means giving the teenager your undivided attention. Nothing else matters in those moments.
Psychiatrist Ross Campbell wrote, “Without focused attention, a teenager experiences increased anxiety, because he feels everything else is more important than he is. He is consequently less secure and becomes impaired in his emotional and psychological growth.”
Father and son watching a baseball game on television or even in the bleachers may or may not experience togetherness. If the teen walks away from the experience feeling lonely, thinking sports are more important to my father than I am, then togetherness did not occur. But if the teen gets this message, “The most important thing about this game is being with you. I love it when we do things together,” the father and the son have connected. And the son will walk away feeling loved. The focus of this chapter is to help you experience togetherness when the two of you are together.
This does not mean that every time you are together you must have long in depth conversations. However, it does mean that you, the parent, must intentionally seek to communicate by eye contact, words, touch, and body language that the teen is more important than the event.
Quality conversation is quite different from the first love language. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing. If the parent is going to express love by means of quality time and is going to spend that time in conversation, it means the parent will focus on drawing out and listening sympathetically to what the teenager says.
When our children were little, we issued instructions and commands, but if we continue this pattern of communication during the teenage years, the teenager will say something like, “You are treating me like a child.” And he will be right. We must now learn to treat our child as a teenager, remembering his emerging independence and encouraging his developing self identity. This means that we must allow our teenager to think her own thoughts, experience her own emotions, have her own dreams, and be able to share these with us without receiving our unsolicited assessment. We must learn to help her evaluate her ideas, understand her emotions, and take realistic steps toward accomplishing her dreams. And we must learn to do this in a friendly, encouraging atmosphere of dialogue rather than the dogmatic statements of monologue. For most parents, this is one of the greatest challenges of parenting teenagers.
Maintain eye contact when your teenager is talking.
Don’t multitask while listening to your teenager. If you are watching, reading, or doing something else in which you are keenly interested and cannot turn from immediately, tell your teenager the truth. A positive approach might be “I know you are trying to talk to me and I’m interested. But I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now but if you will give me ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.”
Listen for feelings. “It sounds like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot …” That gives the teen a chance to clarify his feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what he is saying.
Observe body language. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what she is really thinking and feeling.
Refuse to interrupt.
Ask reflective questions. Remember, you are trying to answer the questions: “What is my teen thinking? What is my teen feeling? What does my teen desire of me?” Don’t share your own ideas until you have clearly answered those questions.
Express understanding.
Ask permission to share your perspective. “You” statements stop the flow of dialogue; “I” statements open the road to further discussion.
Parents who learn how to ask questions will keep their teenagers talking. I don’t mean badgering questions, such as, “Where did you go, how long did you stay, who was with you?” I mean questions that solicit the teenager’s thoughts, such as, “How do you think most teenagers reacted to the anti war protest last week by the students at the university?” Listen attentively and you will hear not only your teenager’s observation about his peers, but you will also discover his/her thoughts on the subject. Keen interest in the teenager’s opinions solicited by thoughtful questions may also lead the teenager to ask for your opinions. Questions beget not only answers, but also other questions.
Replace “Because I said so” with “Let me tell you why.” Teenagers are interested in reasons. They are developing their own ability to reason, and they respond to the person who has logical reasons for his beliefs or opinions.
Conversely when parents do not make time to attend the events in which their teenagers are involved, the message is “You are not as important as other things.”
It is interesting that when five thousand adults were asked, “What did you least appreciate from your parents as a teenager?” the number one response was, “They were not involved in my life.” The fact is teenagers want their parents to be involved in their lives. Such involvement not only creates memories for the future but deep bonds of love in the present. Helping with homework, attending activities, driving your teens to the mall, and shopping with them, all create opportunities for quality time with teens. Parental involvement says, “Your interests are important to me.”
Camping or hiking trips; rafting; fishing; attending sports, musical or theatrical events in a distant city; or visiting museums and places of historical interest are but a few ways to create environments for spending quality time with your teenager.
The key to creating successful environments is to begin with the interests of your teenager.
Seeking to tap into Derek’s interests, I planned a trip for us every year during his teenage years. I highly recommend it as a means for creating an environment for quality time.
Sometimes parents offer empty reassurances. “By this time next week, you won’t even remember what happened today.” At other times we are often too quick to give advice. “Moping around won’t help. Why don’t you go jogging or something?” These are the kinds of responses that close the flow of communication. Such statements communicate a “know it all” attitude. They express no empathy for what the teenager is feeling at the moment. Some teenagers don’t talk because they have learned over time that these are the kinds of responses they will receive. So why bother?
Dr. Atwater also indicates that peer groups play four primary roles in the teenager’s life. These are: 1. The group helps the teen transition to adulthood by providing a social emotional support group. 2. The peer group provides standards that the teenager can use to judge their own behavior and experiences. 3. It provides opportunities for developing interpersonal relationships and developing social skills. 4. It provides a context in which the teenager can develop his/her sense of self identity.
The biggest commitment in showing love to a teenager desiring quality time is a commitment to change your personal schedule. Sometimes talking together in the car after school or practice to discuss the day is all that is needed, but here are several more creative ideas for your times together.
Parents sometimes ask, “If I continue with acts of service to my teenager, how will he learn to do things for himself and how will he learn to serve others?” The answer to that question is found in modeling and guiding. We model unconditional love when we do things for the teenager that we know they would like for us to do so long as we believe these actions are good for the teenager. However, we must choose these acts of service wisely. Otherwise, we create a dependent teenager who takes but never learns to give. For example, cooking a meal is an act of service, but teaching a teenager how to cook a meal is an even greater act of service.
When they are young, you wash the clothes for them; when they are teenagers, you teach them how to wash the clothes.
Consequently, many of these teenagers later find themselves married only to discover that neither they nor their spouse know how to scrub a bathtub, vacuum floors, cook meals, or do laundry. They are totally inept in the basic skills of serving each other. Their parents failed to teach them how to speak the love language of acts of service.
If the teen learns to do acts of service, he will feel good about himself; thus, his self identity will be enhanced.
The purpose of gift giving is not simply to get an object from one person’s possession to another. The purpose is to express emotional love. We want the person to sense deeply, “I care about you, I think you are important, I love you.” These emotional messages are enhanced when attention is given to the ceremony accompanying the passing of the gift. Parents of teenagers will do well to remember this. When we diminish the ceremony, we diminish the emotional power of the gift. Johnny requests a pair of basketball shoes. Mom or Dad drives Johnny to the mall and buys the shoes. Johnny wears them as he leaves the store, and that’s that. No ceremony at all. Many teenagers have become accustomed to this procedure. Such gifts communicate little emotional love. If all gifts are given in this manner, it creates an entitlement mentality in the teenager’s mind: I’m a teenager. My parents owe it to me to get me whatever I want. There is little appreciation on the part of the teenager and the gift has little emotional meaning. However, if the shoes are taken home, wrapped creatively, presented in the presence of other family members as an expression of love, and accompanied by words of affirmation and physical touch, then the gift suddenly becomes a strong vehicle of emotional love.
we must encourage the teenager to work for money. This is the only way the teen will come to have any sense of the value of money. If the teen works for the seventy five dollars she is about to spend on this piece of designer clothing, she has some sense of the effort that goes into earning it. It forces the teen to ask, “Is this object worth the effort?” This is how your teen can then become a discerning consumer. If the teenager must work for money, it also forces him to make choices between material objects.
Simply say to your teenager, “If I should decide to buy you a gift this month, would you make me a list of two or three things you would like to have? Be as specific as possible. Give me brand names, colors, etc.” Most teenagers will be happy to oblige. (Most wives also wish their husbands would ask this question periodically.)
When a person is receiving enough of his primary love language, the secondary love language then becomes more important.
The third possibility is that parents originally misread the child’s love language. This is not uncommon because parents tend to see their children through their own eyes rather than the child’s eyes. It is easy to think that because our language is physical touch, that will be true of our child. We tend to believe what we want to believe rather than what is true from the child’s perspective.
“I say things like, ‘You are the greatest. I’m so proud of you. You are so smart. You are so good looking.’ Things I’ve always said.” There’s the problem: Patti is speaking the same words she has always given her son. Seldom do teenagers want to continue hearing the same dialects as when they were children. Since these were the words they heard as children, they associate these words with childhood. They are trying to be independent and don’t want to be treated as children. Parents who want teenagers to feel loved must learn new dialects. I suggested that Patti eliminate the dialects she had used through the years and come up with new verbal expressions of love, using more adult words, such as, “I admire the strong stand you took for that boy who was being picked on at school … I appreciate your hard work on the lawn … I trust you because I know you respect the rights of others.” These statements express high regard for the teenager but don’t have the ring of childishness.
From your perspective, what would make our relationship better?”
“Lately I have been thinking about some changes I need to make in my life. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about how I can be a better husband to your mother and a better father to you and Kerstin. I’d like to have your input, so I want to ask you this question: If you could change anything about me, what would you change?”
“Who would you say is your best friend?” When the teen says “Paul,” then you ask, “What does Paul do that makes you feel he is your best friend?” Your teen responds, “He listens when I talk and tries to understand.” Your teen has just revealed that quality time is his primary love language.
Another experiment is to give the teen choices between two options and keep a record of what they choose. For example, a father says to his thirteen year old son, “I have two hours free this afternoon. Would you like to fly your new kite together or go to the store for batteries for your new camera?” The choice is between a gift and quality time. The father does what the son chooses and keeps a record as to whether he chose the gift or quality time.
Why am I angry? What wrong has the other person committed? Am I judging their behavior without having all the facts? Do I really know their motive? Has my teen misbehaved or am I being overly sensitive? Are my expectations too high for the developmental level of my teen?
Whatever the reason, recognize the anger is your problem and release it. You may say aloud or to yourself, “My anger reveals my selfishness.”
Two of the most important relationship skills a teenager can learn are how to express love and how to process anger.
When the teenager finishes the initial explosion of angry words, share with the teen what you think you have heard him say and let him clarify. You might say, “What I think I hear you saying is that you are angry because I … Is that what you are saying?” Such a statement indicates to the teenager that you are listening and that you want to hear more. The teenager will invariably oblige and give you more. Continue to write down what you are hearing. Resist the temptation to defend yourself. Remind yourself that you are in round two of listening. When the teen subsides, again repeat what you think he is saying and give him another opportunity to make sure you are getting the full message. After the third round of listening, the teenager will sense that you have taken him seriously.
For the parent, this means becoming a teenager for a moment, remembering the insecurities, the mood shifts, the desire for independence and self identity, the importance of being accepted by peers, and the desperate need for love and understanding from parents. The parent who does not seek to have empathy with his teen will have difficulty affirming the teenager’s feelings of anger.
The important issue for the custodial parent is to focus on the teenager’s emotions, not the teenager’s behavior. This is exactly the opposite of what we typically do.
Simple things like going to the grocery store or bank together can be meaningful to your teenager. But the teen knows when she is being taken advantage of. When your interests center on yourself, rather than the teenager, the teen will quickly resent such behavior.
Kindly but firmly keep the boundaries in place. The teenager needs the security of knowing that parents care enough to say no to those things they believe to be detrimental to the teenager. It obviously works best if both parents can talk about boundaries and have the same list of rules and consequences.
Don’t try to talk the teenager out of his thoughts and feelings. If the teen chooses to talk, listen carefully and affirm his emotions.
As parents, you have the final word, but teenagers need to be a part of the process in deciding the rules and the consequences when rules are broken.
If you establish the idea of a family forum early on, with the understanding that any family member can call a forum anytime he or she feels that something about family life needs to be changed, you will establish a vehicle for processing emotions and ideas.
Teenagers learn responsibility when consequences are enforced.
Our goal is to encourage the teenager’s independence while at the same time meeting the teen’s need for love.
Allowing the teen to sit with friends rather than family at the theater or church, if accompanied by an expression of love, is a way of both affirming independence and meeting the teen’s need for love. Occasionally allowing the teenager to remain at home or to eat dinner with a friend while the rest of the family goes to a restaurant serves the same purpose.
Providing private space and the freedom to decorate it as the teen desires, if accompanied by meaningful expressions of love by the parent, will foster the teen’s independence and keep the teenager’s emotional love tank full.
One way teenagers establish emotional independence is by keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves. Parents should respect this desire on the part of teenagers. After all, do you share all of your thoughts and feelings with your teenager? I hope not.
A wise parent who has learned the value of giving the teenager emotional space might say something like this: “I know that sometimes you don’t want to share your thoughts and feelings with me. I understand and that’s fine. But if you do want to talk, I want you to know I’m always available.”
On events where you think the teenager’s presence is extremely important, then you should expect the teenager to attend. But these occasions should be announced well in advance; this gives your teenager not only chronological time but also emotional time to prepare for the event. Parents should also explain why they feel it is important for the teenager to attend the event.
Nothing is more central to teenage culture than music.
The parent who criticizes the teen’s choice of music will be indirectly criticizing the teen. If such criticism continues, the teenager will feel unloved by the parent. However, if the parent affirms the teen’s freedom of choice and continues to express love in the teenager’s primary love language, the teenager’s sense of independence is fostered and the teenager’s need for love is met. I encourage you to read the lyrics of your teenager’s music. (I say read because you will probably not be able to understand the words if you listen.) Find out what you can about the musicians who write and sing the music your teenager chooses. Point out things you like about the lyrics, and positive things about those who perform. Listen as your teenager chooses to share his own impressions. If you will take this positive approach to their music, occasionally you can say, “You know, it troubles me a bit that in this song that is otherwise rather positive, there is this line that seems to be so destructive. What do you think about that?” Since your teenager knows that you have not been critical of their music, in fact you have made many positive comments, he will be inclined to hear your criticism and perhaps even agree with you. Even if he disagrees, you have planted a seed of question in his mind.
Teenagers will speak a different language. When your child becomes a teenager, she will learn a new language. Please don’t try to learn it (that would be embarrassing for everyone involved). The whole purpose is to have a language that parents do not understand. Why is this so important? The answer is social independence. The teen is putting distance between herself and the parent, and language is one means of doing this.
Parents who create a world war over the teen’s clothing are fighting a useless battle that turns a normal developmental phenomenon into a divisive issue between parent and teenager. Such battles do not change our teenagers’ ideas, and offer no positive rewards for parents. Wise parents share their opinions, if they must, but back off and give the teenager freedom to develop social independence.
He is looking at things that earlier he accepted without question, and now he is applying the test of reason and logic. This often means that he questions his parents’ beliefs as well as those of his teachers and other significant adults in his life. These questions tend to cluster around three significant areas: values, moral beliefs, and religious beliefs.
Parents who wish to be an influential part of their teenagers’ reasoning process must shift from monologue to dialogue, from preaching to conversation, from dogmatism to exploration, from control to influence. Teenagers need and want their parents’ input into these important areas of life, but they will not receive it if the parent treats them as a child. In childhood, the parents told the child what was right, and the child was expected to believe it. That is no longer true when the child becomes a teenager. The teenager wants to know why. Where is the evidence?
They will examine not only your words, but also your actions.
Parents who welcome the teenagers’ moral questions, who are willing to talk about their own beliefs and practices, who are open to listen to opposing viewpoints, and who give their teenagers reasons for their own moral beliefs, those parents are able to keep the road to dialogue open and thus positively influence their teens’ moral decisions.
Whereas values answer the question “What is important?” and morals answer “What is right?” religion seeks to answer the question “What is true?”
The fact is: Your teenager is going to explore religious thoughts. The question is: “Do you want to be a part of that exploration and do you want to love your teenager in the process?”
If the parent recognizes this right to independent thought and is willing to invest the time and create the atmosphere for meaningful dialogue in a loving setting, the teenager will continue to be “plugged in” to parental influence. If, however, parents draw lines in the sand, make dogmatic proclamations about what teenagers are going to believe and do, the parents will create adversarial relationships with their teens.
Adults are allowed the freedom of living in a house as long as they take the responsibility of paying the monthly mortgage payments. The electric company allows freedom to have the lights on as long as the customer takes the responsibility of paying the monthly bill. All of life is organized around the principles of freedom and responsibility. The two never stray far from each other. Of course, it is a major part of parenting to help the teenager make this discovery.
Wise parents will bring their teenagers into the circle of decision making, letting them express their ideas on what constitutes fair and/or worthy rules. Parents should share reasons for their own ideas and demonstrate why they think the rule is good for the teenager. Those who do so will create an atmosphere that fosters the teenager’s independence while at the same time teaching the teenager that there is no freedom without responsibility. In such open “family forums,” parents and teens can meet and the parents can still be the authorities. They have the final word, but the parents will be wiser when they know the teenager’s thoughts and feelings about the matter. And if the teenager has had a voice in making the rule, he is more likely to believe the rule is fair and less likely to rebel.
The principle is “if you can accept the responsibility, then you can have the freedom. If you cannot accept the responsibility, then you are not ready for the freedom.”
Parents who are proactive will call for a family forum, acknowledging awareness to the teen that he/she is now a teenager and that this calls for rethinking the family rules to allow more freedom and more responsibility. Being proactive by calling such a family forum before the teenager starts to complain about the childish rules he must live by is a strategy of great wisdom.
Rules Should Be as Few as Possible. Remember, God only came up with ten rules, they’re called the Ten Commandments. And Jesus summarized these in two.
Rules Should Be as Clear as Possible.
Rules Should Be as Fair as Possible. Fairness is very important to your teenager. As we discussed earlier, the teenager is wrestling with values, morals, logic, and reason. If a teenager’s sense of fairness is violated, the teenager will be angry. If the parent cuts off discussion and arbitrarily enforces the rule, and refuses to deal with the teenager’s anger, the teenager will feel rejected and will later resent the parent.
Rules without consequences are not only worthless, but they are also confusing.
Consequences Should Be Determined Before a Violation.
Consequences Should Be Administered with Love. “I know that it will be very difficult for you not to be able to drive the car this week. I wish I didn’t have to take your keys. But you know the rule and you know the consequences. Because I love you, I don’t have any other option. I must let you experience the pain of having broken the rule.”
Consequences Should Be Administered Consistently. Such inconsistency will create anger, resentment, and confusion in the heart of the teenager. The teenager’s sense of fairness is violated.
Formulate your rules and consequences in response to these two questions: (1) What are the important issues in helping my teenager develop into a mature adult? (2) What dangers need to be avoided and what responsibilities need to be learned? Yes, some rules will be prohibitions, designed to keep the teenager from words or behavior that will be physically or emotionally destructive to himself or others. But other rules will be designed to help your teenager practice positive behaviors that will enhance his own maturity and enrich the lives of those around him.
If teenagers are to learn to serve beyond the family, they must first learn to serve the family. Teenagers need real household responsibilities that enhance the lives of other family members. These will differ in every household but may involve such things as supervising a younger sibling, helping to cook dinner, taking care of the family pet, mowing the grass, trimming shrubs, planting flowers, vacuuming floors, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, and washing clothes.
If the teenager chooses not to perform assigned family responsibilities, then the consequences are determined in terms of loss of freedom. For example, if the driving teenager is assigned the responsibility of taking the family car to the carwash by noon on Saturday and the predetermined consequence is that failure to do so means that he will lose driving privileges for two days, wise parents will not stay on the teenager’s back to get the car washed. It’s a choice, he chooses to shoulder responsibility and have the accompanying freedom or he chooses to be less mature and lose that freedom. I can assure you that the teenager will seldom wish to lose such freedom, and parents will not waste time and energy fretting over whether the teenager washes the car.
If the attendance rule is broken, the consequences might be that for every day missed at school, the teenager will spend Saturday reading a book and making a verbal report to the parent on what was read. They will not be allowed to leave the house for the normal hours they would have been at school. Most teenagers will lose only one Saturday.
Credit cards encourage spending beyond one’s income, and such spending is an extremely poor practice to teach teenagers. Fundamentally, a teenager cannot learn to manage money until he has some money to manage. This has led many parents to the decision that the teenager should be given a regular allowance rather than coming to the parent every two days asking for another twenty dollars to buy this or that. The parent who doles out ten dollars here and twenty dollars there to meet the teen’s specific request of the day does not teach the teenager to manage money. A far better approach in my opinion is for parents and teens to agree on a weekly or monthly allowance. With the allowance, there needs to be a clear understanding of what areas of expenditure the teenager is responsible for. This may include clothing, food, music, gas, etc.
Once the amount is set, it should not be changed simply because the teenager complains, “It’s just not enough.” If the teenager wants more than he can purchase with the allowance, then the teenager must secure a means of earning money outside the family. If they are not old enough to work in a fast food restaurant, they can mow lawns, babysit, deliver papers, or find any number of other jobs available to younger teens.
Be sure you communicate to the teenager that you are giving her an allowance because you love her, and you want her to learn to handle money responsibly. You are not giving it to the teen because of her household duties. That is a totally separate matter of responsibility. I suggest that the teenager not be allowed to earn additional funds from parents. It confuses the issue of normal expected household responsibilities. It is far better to let them earn the money outside the family. I also believe that loaning the teenager money is a mistake. It is teaching the teenager to purchase beyond one’s income. This is teaching the teenagers the wrong lesson.
Dating can be a positive experience in building the teenager’s self esteem and developing relationship skills necessary for mature adult romantic relationships. I won’t indicate when your son or daughter should begin dating, though Steinberg warns that girls who begin dating in early adolescence risk being caught up in “a misty, romantic feeling” and will typically date older boys who are “likely to overpower [the teenage girls] psychologically as well as physically.” After thirty years of marriage and family counseling, I am convinced that early adolescence is the time for the teenager to develop same sex friendships, gradually followed by group activities involving girls and boys, and in later adolescence to one on one dating.
If the teenage girl feels loved by her father, she is less likely to seek emotional love from an older teenager. The teenage boy who feels loved by his mother is less likely to exploit a younger girl for his own emotional or physical pleasure.
Rule: same sex friendships with teenagers of their own age will be encouraged in early adolescence.
Nothing destroys independence faster than alcohol and drug addiction.
There are, however, things a parent can do to make drug use less likely. First, and most powerfully, is to model abstinence. Teenagers who watch parents drink every night to unwind are far more likely to use and abuse alcohol. Teenagers who watch parents misuse prescription drugs are much more likely to become drug users.
In the family forum, parents should certainly express their desire that the teenager abstain from drug and alcohol use. Parents should explain that this is not because of some ill founded, illogical, religious, or personal belief but is based on the facts that have been clearly researched. Knowing that the teenager will someday be an adult and can make his own decisions about drug and alcohol use, it is perfectly legitimate for parents to insist that while the teenager is at home, the rule is no alcohol and no drugs.
Consequences for violation should be stringent. It should be pointed out to the teenager that illegal drugs are in violation of state and federal laws. If the teenager is found in possession of illegal drugs, he may suffer not only parental consequences but also judicial consequences. One parent suggested that the first offense would remove driving privileges for one month. The second offense, three months. The third offense, the car that had been purchased by the parent would be sold and never replaced by the parent.
“Good parenting is doing the right thing when a child does the wrong thing.”
Our best efforts at loving and parenting them do not guarantee their success. Teenagers are their own people, and they are free to make choices: good and bad.
Before you help your teenage son or daughter, you must first deal with your own response. The first response many parents have when their teen fails is to ask, “What did we do wrong?” It is a logical question, particularly in a society that has placed so much emphasis on the value of proper parenting. However, many self help books and parenting seminars have overestimated the power of positive parenting and failed to properly reckon with the teenager’s freedom of choice.
Usually the teenager is already feeling guilty. Teens know when their behavior hurts parents. They are aware when they violate the moral codes they have been taught. Preaching is unnecessary.
Don’t let your first words be words of condemnation. Don’t say, ‘Why did you do this? You know this violates everything we’ve taught you through the years. How could you do this to us? Don’t you know you are tearing our hearts apart? You have ruined everything. I can’t believe you could be so stupid.’
He is already having those thoughts and asking himself those questions. If you make these statements and ask these questions, he may become defensive and stop wrestling with the questions himself.” A teenager who has failed needs to wrestle with his own guilt, but he does not need further condemnation.
Teens learn some of life’s deepest lessons through experiencing the consequences of failure. When parents remove these consequences the teenager gets another message. The message is one that fosters irresponsibility. “I can do wrong and someone else will take care of the consequences.” Such a conclusion makes it difficult for the teenager to learn responsibility. I know it is difficult to watch our teenagers suffer the consequences of their decisions, but to remove the consequences is to remove one of life’s greatest teachers.
This is where the five love languages are exceedingly important. If you know your teenager’s love language, this is the time to speak that primary language loudly, while demonstrating the other four love languages as often as possible.
God’s response to Adam and Eve is a good model for parents. Indeed, He let them suffer the consequences of their wrongdoing but, at the same time, He gave them a gift. They were trying to hide themselves with fig leaves. He gave them leather coats. The wise parent will give love to the teenager no matter what the failure.
The teenager needs to know that no matter what he has done, someone is there who still believes in him, who still believes that he is valuable, and who is willing to forgive. When the teenager senses emotional love from parents, he is more likely to face the failure head on, accepting the consequences as deserved, and learning something positive from the experience.
Let the teen know that while you do not agree with what he has done and that you cannot remove all the consequences, you want him to know that you are with him and will stand by his side as he walks through the process of dealing with the consequences of this failure.
Parents who tend to have controlling personalities often want to control the teenager’s behavior after a moral failure. When the parent decides what ought to be done and tries to convince the teenager to do it, this is manipulation, not guidance. Guidance is helping the teenager think through the situation so as to be able to make wise choices in responding to the consequences of the moral failure.
The teenager cannot become a responsible adult without having freedom to grapple with his situation and make decisions regarding where he goes from here. One way in which parents may give guidance to a teenager is by helping the teen follow his own thoughts to their logical conclusion.
Another way of giving guidance is to share your ideas as possibilities. “One possible approach might be …” is far more helpful than “What I think you ought to do is …” Remember, in spite of moral failure, the teenager still wants to develop independence and self identity. Parents must not forget this major motif of the teenage years in trying to help their teenager learn from failure. You may well see possibilities that your teenager does not see. Your teenager could profit from your insights if you share them as possibilities, not as “oughts.”
If, in the end, the teenager makes the decision that you believe to be unwise, then you allow him to suffer the natural outcomes of that decision. If those outcomes turn out to be negative and the teenager fails again, you repeat the process discussed above, remembering that being a responsible parent is helping your teenager learn from his own mistakes.
Many parents can join Daniel and Micki in saying, “The darkest night of our lives was the beginning of a deeper and more meaningful relationship with our teenager.” Love is the key for turning tragedy into triumph. Parents who will love enough not to blame themselves, not to preach, not to try to fix it, who will listen with empathy, give support and guidance, all in the spirit of unconditional love, will likely see their teenager take giant steps toward maturity as they walk through the consequences of teenage failure.
What I have tried to say in this chapter is that the teenager who fails does not need parents who walk behind, kicking him, or condemning her for a personal failure. Nor does the teen need parents who will walk ahead, pulling him, trying to get him to conform to the parents’ wishes. What the teenager needs is parents who will walk alongside, speaking the teen’s love language with a sincere desire to learn with the teenager how to take responsible steps after failure.
Teenagers who genuinely feel loved by their parents are far more likely to respond to the deep longings for community, to welcome structure, to respond positively to guidelines, and to find purpose and meaning in life. Nothing holds more potential for positively changing culture than parental love.
It has been my observation, after many years of marriage and family counseling, that most parents love their teenagers. But it has also been my observation that thousands of these teenagers do not feel loved by their parents. Sincerity is not enough. If we are to effectively communicate love to a teenager, we must learn the teen’s primary love language and speak it regularly. We must also learn the dialects, within the primary love language, which speak most deeply to the soul of the teenager.
When a teenager does not feel loved, the words of adults will fall on deaf ears. The teenager desperately needs the wisdom of older, more mature adults. But without love, the transfer of wisdom will be ineffective.